You know it never fails, as soon as I am feeling really good about myself, it happens, I fall flat on my face. I let my guard down for just a moment, and boom, I blow it, the enemy attacks, and I let it happen. Sometimes I wonder if there is possible to never fall to lust again. I know keeping the crap out of my mind helps, but as soon as I get a hint of it, the fight is over, and I have lost. I have already e-mailed Matt letting him know I have fallen again. Last night God poured his healing over me, once again, I do not deserve this. I am in such a mess, this is not fair to Alexis, or my future wife and family. I am addicted and I need to be alert and fill my time with serving God when I am alone, otherwise I just follow the hint. I felt absolutely gross last night, upset, sick and disturbed, I have to remember this – nothing good ever comes from it! I need to arm myself – I must move on with myself and let God heal me; stop trying to heal myself. So I will turn to God's word :
Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. [1 Cor. 6:18]Lord, I know I cannot promise to never fall again, I am only human, and the nature within me is to sin. However, I wish to always move forward and not dwell on my downfalls, so as much as I can, I promise I will always move forward, step by step. Destroy my life if I fail to honor this agreement, if I fail to follow through, move forward, and I give up, please destroy my life, and take away your blessings. Change me, cleanse me, I am nothing. This burden is huge - I am giving it to you, your burden is much lighter than the one I have put on myself. I only want to honor you, but instead I dishonor you in my private life, along with my future wife, family and friends. I have no more words, except that I am ashamed my actions from last night, I heard your voice, but instead I turned away from your instructions and gave into selfish desires. I am weak, this is my thorn, I cannot do anything with you. In Jesus' name, amen.
Let there be no (NIV: not even a hint of) sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes--these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. [Eph 5:3-4]
God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body and live in holiness and honor – not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways. [1 Thes. 4:3-5]
