food for fish

For a lot of Christian men there is a struggle to keep sexually pure. Now I realize that there are a lot of definitions of "purity" out there, it seem that some think masterbation is okay, and others think dressing in a sexually attractive way is okay, while some believe that not talking about any of these things is okay as well. Yes, we've heard this over and over, and I am still not convinced that the Church at large (the full body of Christ) has really taken this on. As I speak to more and more men I realize the need for a new Church culture that speaks Truth and Grace into the suxual purity issue.

I guess I take a hybrid, or middle of the ground, approach to these things. I believe that most of the time people don't take a deep look into the reasons behind these struggles. We, in the Church, have taken the appraoch of "think no evil, see no evil, speak no evil". When, from what I observe this has lead us to isolation, shame, doubt, and in many cases deep wounds that fester anger and fear, Jesus instructed us to not have even a hint of lust. Yet he forgives.

You see, I know that the enemy plays with this part of our lives because it is so destructive towards our ability to relate to God, and to others. We can easily become isolated and cut off and then allowing people to Love us, and for us to Love others becomes increasingly hard due to the shame that surrounds our heart. So I ask, what is the root of these "problems", how do we replace these desires with healthy ones? What is a healthy desire?

I am far from the answer, only recently have I began to fully grasp the freedom of exercising true freedom in this area. My past makes it difficult, but I know that He who is in me, is stronger than he who is in the world.

Alexis and I have been on a fundraising break for a bit, it can be exhausting to always be in fundraising mode. Starting this summer I plan on putting away a bit each month into our missions funds from our own income, but so far we have simply been unable to do that and have depended on donations for 100% of our fundraising.

Then there are times where I feel we need to have faith that God will provide, because he always has. Many times the opposite is also true, Where I think the lack of donations means we're just not suppose to go. But that does not sit well in our hearts at all. So, I contend as James instructs us to have faith in God without wavering.

Currently, for our October trip, we have $640 of the $4550 (includes language school) that Alexis and I need. Our teammates need $1500 each. If we received just $40 from 100 people, Alexis and I would be done!

In the past few weeks I've had a number of people ask me about hearing from God. Or, more specifically, hearing God's voice.

Since it is nearly 1am, I'm not going to elborate to much on this, but I do have a few thoughts.

First I think many of us try far to hard. I actually think a lot of us have probably heard His voice clear and strong, but we either thought it was our own, or too afraid to obey it in faith.

For me, his voice is always the gut feeling, not the fleshly desire, but the inner thoughts that guide me in decisions, letting me know if something is right or wrong. I've learned to tune into this voice more and more over the years, and without doubt, I know it is His voice.

It has taken nearly a decade to come to this point, and I still fail miserably in actully giving time to listen to His voice. But growing up I always had an inner sense of right and wrong, and I believe it was the Holy Spirit, but since I didn't have the relationship with Jesus as I do now I simply thought it was my "conscience".

God has been giving me a lot of insight into his love of all people. But not the kind of love that the world says, you know what I mean, the one that says we shouldn't disagree with things like pre-marital co-habitation, pre-marital sex, homosexuality... of course those the some of the "big ones".. but along the same line, and as God has shown me recently, his heart grieves the same for those that avoid conflict with people, the people pleasers, manipulators, deceivers, etc.

You see, I have a growing anger inside of me, one that I believe is righteous. Everwhere I look I see broken people, inside and outside the Church. I see people who have been pushed over, "in the name of love", I see people who "in the name of love" argue to the end on politics, I see my friends making choices to please people that just gets lorded over by another person. This anger in me about these things is so hard to walk out though. I want to tell people the truth, but many of them just are not ready for the truth, they see it as shame, hate, or just religion.

If God's people were to truly focus on Jesus, if they were to struggle listening for him, rather than their world desires, I believe we would see a lot more happening. We must focus our dicipleship efforts on brining people into a healthy understanding of faith, humility, and submission in Jesus.

True love of others and of God is loving the hell out of people. Not shaming people, but giving them grace to be human, to be selfish, to be well, full of sin. We simply can not expect people who haven't given their life and heart to Jesus to understand our values, principles, and morals. We can't logically argue with a person who doesn't understand living by faith. We can try, but many times (not all) it's in vain. Someone who is avidly pro-choice abortion, or pro same-sex marriages, isn't going to understand the reason having faith nulls those issues.

Faith gives us a much bigger understanding beyond ourselves, it gives us the courage to carry a child even when circumstances are terrible. It gives us the courage to see that our sexuality is more than physical. Faith gives us the understanding that God will take it into his hands when we give it to him. My faith in Him has relieved me of my homosexual desires. Having faith gives us the courage to tithe first and give our offerings even when when our bank account is empty or negative and we still have hundreds of dollars of bills.

So, we must first love people, live in faith, and remind ourselves that Hell is real. When we love people, in and out of the Church, we bring them out of Hell and into the Kingdom of God. That is why Jesus is the savior. He desires for us to be in relationship with him, not stuck in Hell, 100% alone, but with the knowledge that Jesus simply wanted our hearts so he could bless us in our free will to choose him. Those that do end up in Hell, they won't be partying, they won't be hanging out with like minded people, they'll be utterly alone, unable to be in relationship for eternity, yet knowing, and I believe seeing the rest in relationship and living in the glory of God.

So, love the hell out of people. Bless them. Speak the truth. Live in faith. Live the truth of God's love.

This Thursday I'm speaking at our young adults group, I'm calling it "An obligation to love".

We really don't have a choice to love. Our God doesn't have the choice, He gave us free will so that we would love genuinely. As a disciple in the teachings, divinity, and person of Jesus, I do not have a choice to do anything but love people. For who they are... human. Everyone sins, we all make mistakes, our flesh is weak. And still I must love, I must accept people's faults. None of this is a free license to be walked on, beat up, and spat on. No, that would mean I wasn't loving myself.

To love God, is to give him praise, allow him to speak into my life, and obey Him in his commandments (to love Him and people). To love people is to treat with respect, listen, have sympathy for, speak encouragement, and most of all speak a life of truth. If I notice another brother with red flags in his life (IE, spending habits, the way he talks with girls, etc) than to truly love him I must confront him out of the relationship that I have. Confront someone is not shaming them, it's not condemning them, it's speaking truth where it counts (as Jesus did w/ the woman at the well). If a friend is always seeking to be with people, and is feeling lonely when not with friends, than I may probe into the priority prayer in their life.

For our culture, these ideas usually prompt the response of "it's none of your business" or "that's personal". Yes, I know, and because I love you I want to see you grow in that area. The key to all of this is relationship though, and speaking gracefully, the more grace, and the more relationship we have, the more our love for Him and others can be shown.

We must stop being afraid to love in truth. This is what I believe worshipping in truth and spirit is.

"All you need is love", "Love is just a game"

Well, lately God has been showing me a new side to Love. Now I bet most of you think this is about Emma... well in a way it is, but not really.

Yes Fatherhood has shown me a new side of love, and quite possibly this is where these ideas are stemming from. But as I was talking with Marcus at our devo this morning...

You see, lately as I drive around from client to client, the Lord has been showing me people's faces, and giving me a glimpse of how he loves them. It's like I feel in my heart the overwhelming grief, and/or pride he has for particular people. When I think of people I know who have made choices contrary to God's values I get even more emotional and can't do anything but pray for clarity in the person's life.

And now there's even more, you see, I believe true love, is a love that holds people to God's values. A love that doesn't just let our friends, our brothers/sisters slip away into "their own choices", if the choice is made with loving confrontation and loving correction, and still does not honor God's values, well then, the choice is theirs...

But way to often than not I see the opposite. I see people too afraid of rejection, too afraid of confrontation, to talk in love and grace to people about red-flags... those red-flags turn into spiritually killing decisions. If we are going to be known for the love we have for each other, we have got to allow God to work through each other, obey your convictions and your heart when God speak to it. Only blessing and honor and glory can be given to Jesus even if a person makes a decision to walk another path, at least they know the loving truth... and believe me it can be done, and God's name is always given glory, I've been there, scared to death, but I've done it. I've had people still decide, but I've seen people make the right choice as well. The choice is yours.

According to my feed stats about 20 people are subscribed to this place I call my blog. So for those 20 people I have a question (and hopefully more will answer)...

We are currently in the process of creating our missionary budget, or living and ministry bugets for when we take the plunge and move to Kraków. At the current numbers (preliminary) we have it estimated that we need either 100 people to donate $35 per month or 100 people to donate $26.12 per month (it's just how the math works...) depending on two different support scenarios we've been given by our sending church, which isn't being decided any time soon.

So, with that said. We're beginning to solicit the "for sure" answers, the ones who are fully committed in their hearts (most likely those who really already know us and our mission) to give for as long as we call Poland our home, up to $35 a month. Please don't leave it in the comments section, unless you don't care for others to see it, please email me, or leave a message on Facebook or some other semi-private means of communication. If you don't have that info, leave a comment and I'll send it over to you.

We just want to get a feeling, don't consider this the absolute "yes" just something for us to begin gauging our support base. After this we have the joy of communicating the message to many more people and we could use your prayers that we communicate the need for the Good News in Poland, and the need for training passionate hearted disciples to do the work in their home nation!

Thanks for prayerfully considering!

Sometimes I am in awe of the provision that God entrusts to our lives. I know that we could certainly do better in the area of how we manage our finances, I'm sure we could always invest a bit here, or save a bit there. In fact this month alone I identified $102 of "misc" spending. Nonetheless, I stand amazed at the fact that God has given us so much, that he's figured the numbers ahead of time and knows that we'll be taken care of. He's given us the wisdom to make the right choices and the faith to know that the money isn't ours.

It wasn't long after I began my walk with God that I learned the idea of tithing... it wasn't anything really spoken or asked of me, just something that over the first year I decided that if I was going to put my faith in God and "step by step" follow him, than I needed to put my money where my heart was. There have been a few months where I have neglected this conviction but for the most part I've been faithful to give my gross 10% to my home church right up front, than I do the bills.

About 10 months ago the Lord put on our hearts to give some offerings, above and beyond our tithe to some missionaries... well now that has grown to $90 a month. The past 4 months have been the most we've ever struggled financially, I have had to some very creative budgeting, prayer, and have more faith. We owed more than $500 in taxes, we have a $1000 hospital bill (due to our insurance changing 1 month before Emma's birth, previously we had no co-pay for hospital/maternity stay, than it all changed just before hand, giving us no time to save for it), and back in January/February my hours were cut by 25%, and we're still rebounding from that.

Yet, each pay period bills and needs are met, and God does little adjustments or shows us little ways of making things work. However, we know that this is not the end, we know that as we move forward in our plans to minister in Poland we'll be on the edge more often, so we are thankful for this season, and we are learning more and more what it means to live off of faith, to ask for help, and prayerfully state our needs. It's humbling and also encouraging in a very Jesus kind of way.

This has been one of the more interesting trips I've made, and quite an introduction for Jordan to missions and Poland. All of our flights went well, no trouble there, except for checking in in Portland (stupid "easy checkin" wasn't so easy because it couldn't process my passport for our international segments) and we had to wait over 20 min to get help. After the check in was complete everything was fine, we made it to Krakow with out any trouble, all our bags, everything was good.

We stayed in Krakow until about 9pm local time and ran a few errands with Denise, ate at KFC and gave Jordan a quick low-down on ministry, poland, and the week ahead.

Our first full day (Monday) was full of moving everything from the apartment the church here has been renting to Denise's house (about 30 min away). This made for a long day, of multiple trips in her car, she stayed at her place cleaning while we drove back and fourth with all the stuff. On the last trip of the night we loaded up a desk and a table on top of the car and attached it to the rack.

We got a bit over half-way to Denise's house and KABOOM.... something fell off... but it didn't fall all the way off. After we finally reached a good place to pull over (about 1/2 a mile of dragging) we realized that the table had fallen partially off and we had dragged it, one of hte bungee chords we had used to hold it on had snapped. Not only did the table fall off, it busted the passenger side far rear window (not the door window but the one behind it) and at the same time gave a few scratches to the car. To this moment we don't quite get how this all happened, especially the angle at which the table fell, it seems it woudl've taken out the passenger side-view mirror instead. Anyway it's about $190 to repair it... ouch.

So today, I got the pleasure of going to the car dearler and figuring out how to make an appointment, find out the cost, and do all of this in Polish... yay me. Thankfully there was a guy who spoke English and understood my broken Polish when English wasn't working. It was a little challenging but a good one.

Tonight I'm meeting with my old roommate from 2003/2004 who I lived with here in Poland, he's now married and has a daughter as well, so I'm very excited to see them and have a good conversation. This is really what I thrive to do, serving physically is all great, but the relationships, the connections, and the truth that God brings out in all of it is amazing. So with the moving piece behind us (we have one last trip tomorrow, and we did one load today) and the retreat coming up, I'm excited to see Jesus in all of it.

Keep us in your prayers, the broken window I believe is a blessing in disguise for something, not sure what yet... but it will be good. The weather is yucky, it's pretty much hanging around 32-35 making for a nice slushy mess.

Thanks for your prayers, support, and interest in all of this... I'll have more pictures up soon, looks like I'll have time tomorrow to upload some good ones.

Sometimes I struggle with the general cynical and jaded attitude of my peers. I'm really grieved by other Jesus followers who look at life as if the glass if half empty. But it goes deeper than that, many times my generation hangs onto the seams of life with just the logical, western mind-set that we have to climb the proverbial ladder of success before we even be in authority over anything. Not that we desire authority, but for most authority for some reason is how they view their confidence and relation to the rest of the world.

The truth is, we have been given all authority, to do even greater things than Jesus did. Yet we let the world system tell us we don't, we need this paper, and that paper, and X years of experience. Bump that, bump it all, we need to realize what we are called to, seek wisdom from those that have gone there before, learn from them and experience it for ourselves!

If you know that you are called (and all followers are called) then step into it. Of course you'll make mistakes, that's why we have mentors (Timothy and Paul), that's why we week wisdom, and that's why we submit ourselves to grace-filled truth tellers (or as I said the other day, butt holes for Jesus) - people who we have given permission to point out the boogers in our lives and the blind spots so we can have more confidence and authority to speak Jesus' gospel.

I was called to be a pastor over four years ago, this created a fear in me because I had never thought about it before and I've always been afraid of rejection. But now, even though I'm not "ordained" or "licensed", I am doing pastoral kinds of things, such as mentoring, being relational with others, and allowing God's voice to be heard and his flock cared for.

PS check out this new blog I found, fits the topic of this post quite well, none the less, I love what he has to say - it's grace filled truth at its finest!

For my generation, especially those that have grown up in the church, or been in it long enough to be jaded by the humanity of it (the imperfect, hypocrites that fill the church) of which they themselves fall into, the idea of “freedom in Christ” has turned into a poison that means “I’ll do what I want, and I know God will forgive me”.

Of course there is scripture that directly rebuttals this, I forget exactly where, but I know Paul does write about the “abuse of God’s grace” – getting drunk, and knowing that you will, and not caring, because “God forgives” is an abuse of grace. God isn’t going to forgive a person for something unless there is a truly repentant heart, unless he or she is convicted in their heart and mind that they will change their behavior, but most of all the heart behind it, that they’ll change their heart response.
Yes we have freedom in Christ, freedom to choose his straight path, and freedom to go off of the path.

We have freedom to do just about anything as long as it doesn’t dishonor God. Yes he forgives, but if we choose to do something dishonoring, knowing that it is, and with the dangerous attitude of “he’ll forgive me” then we have a lot of scary things to come. This is pride at its best, and at worst it’s blatantly defiant to the God of the universe, whose forgiveness is NOT free, and whose forgiveness DOES have one condition, of a repentant heart that is willing to humble itself.

We have the church, in all its crap, all its humanity, and in all its beauty, it is here to help us see what we cannot. I’m sorry it’s hurt so much, I’m sorry I’ve hurt so much, but at the heart of it, there is love.

I know I'm in dangerous territory when I'm feeling discontent. Sometimes discontent is a sign of moving forward, desiring more from life or a person. But I know that in my current scenario, it is not that... I know my direction, I know where I'm headed, I'm just being impatient.

I'm tired of the IT world, I know there are many opportunities to see people and "be a light" in many different places, but my heart is for discipleship. I know that at any point in time the Holy Spirit could guide me to bring people to Him and he could use me for evangelism and I also know that my gift, my "sweet spot" you could say, is for seeing people grow to new understandings and depths in who they are with and in Christ.

I hate offending people, and I hate the awkward pause or looks when people realize that I'm a "church goer"... but I just gotta be me. Most of all I know that Jesus offended people, I'm okay with offending people with His truth... but I refuse to offend people in the name of a "church" or "organization" that calls itself a house of Jesus followers when really all they are doing is shaming people rather than setting them free with God's grace and truth.

So I'm discontent because computers are 1. Not very responsive to God's truth 2. Certainly don't understand grace and 3. Are not very open to discipleship.

HA! I have no idea. Everyday is a new day, and each day brings its ups and downs. But, I choose to remain dependent on God and inter-dependent on my brothers and sisters in Christ. I choose to allow my bride to love me, nurture me, and be my helper, and I choose to be vulnerable with her through my ups and downs, and her ups and downs.

For when I fail any of the above, the downs are never padded and feel like I've fallen hard onto concrete and ups take me way out into an orbit beyond Pluto. Neither of which is very healthy.

So I'll stand and remain balanced holding onto what God has shown me, told me, and provided. I'm here to serve, love, and be loved.

and oh yeah, keep it sweetly simple (new version of KISS).

The moment I gave my life to the Lord was right in the middle of a worship song, and the words were "And step by step you'll lead me, and I will learn to walk in your ways" a song that had been written (at that time) ten years earlier.

I am so thankful that I am still taking each step, learning to walk in His ways. Although I have a bit of a job crisis, and the financial future is unsure, each day brings a blessing of provision, not just in our personal lives but also in our calling. The trip to Poland is almost fundraised, about another $1,000 and we'll be on budget. Praise Jesus.

The words of Jesus say it all "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today brings enough worries of its own".

Amen.

Ever since New Years Day I have been struggling with a case of the "ups and downs". I go from feeling discouraged and unmotivated to amazing God-praising spouts of joy. So what's the root of all this? It's a number of things, thoguh I think the catalyst was finding out at a company meeting that we would all be getting a 25% pay cut for the next 60 days in order to save our bottom line.

That put me into a world wind of emotions, from fear (of the unknown financial impact) to anger (caused by the fear) towards the management for not being more forward looking. I am thankful that they want to keep our team and not let anyone go, but if after 60 days things don't look up, they better let go of some folks, or else I'll be forced to look for a new job, and that is stressful when thinking about having a baby and the insurance ramifications.

I know the next few months won't be easy, many of the little things we like to do (Starbucks, Grabbing a bite with friends, etc) will need to be cut. However, even with the cuts my projected budget shows a shortfall of just over $1,000 a month... that spells doom and gloom towards my "be the provider" mentality.

However, I have found a new spark in all my worship, a new meaning for "surrender", and a new love for the song "Blessed be your name" by Matt Redmond.

A quick list of things that I'm struggling to grasp right now in my life and walk with Jesus.

1. Raising funds without sounding like a broken record/beggar (see previous post, didn't the apostles help the beggars though , but they didn't enable them to continue in poverty, right?)
   
2. Dicipling a generation and/or individual people that are not open to confrontation, either they are afraid to confront others about moral issues, or they don't allow others to confront themselves. The big defense: DON'T JUDGE ME! Where did this reaction start? Where did loving someone into a closer relationship turn into condemnation?
   
3. How to love people through differences. I'm a person that loves to disciple people, hates to offend, yet I am a disciple of Jesus, which Jesus naturally offends people. Sometimes I am so passionate about discipling on things like, the importance of living above reproach, all are called to ministry (we all have gifts for the kingdom), the blessing of living and walking in moral authority, that all I want to do is either ring people's necks who blatantly live lives contrary to this, or I just get depressed and grieve over the state of people I love.
   
4. A regular, near daily, prayer-life. A prayer life that focuses on God, and his relationship to me and others, not just a selfish, me-centered prayer life, but one that is about moving forward and listening (such as listening about these four areas).
   
5. Added 10:05 - The conflict of our needs, and other's resources. This is a completely jealous conflict ion, but one none the less that I struggle with. Alexis and I pour a lot of our resources into our calling, our time, our money, and our relationships, it's all about our calling for discipleship. All around us though we see people spending their time and money on their own desires, cars, houses, that in our opinion (and judgmentally) are well beyond what they need. Why does a single 24 year old need a new Mercedes? Why does a single 25 year old spend over $600 a month in entertainment? Just some thoughts.

So those are the four, now five big things in my life that I feel stuck on right now. I don't expect to just "get it" one day, I expect though to process through these things, some of them probably for the rest of my life (2 and 3). But I do expect for me to take responsibility in these areas, to do the hard things and ask, to address people on things when I feel conflict yet all in Grace and with the basis that no matter the outcome my care for them won't change - that my friends is how Jesus lived.

Updated 10:00 am. - Each of these things I think is related to surrender, we/I need to surrender and allow God and his church to do it's work, unhindered. We have to live as examples, so if we do something that isn't above reproach - that is against the path that Jesus has called us to live - we must surrender it. It's not easy, it's a self-less act that says I will follow my Lord, even though my desire is something different. Sometimes even our God-given desires are not the right path, for the time. I know this, I've lived it, I'm living it right now. So instead of crying about it, I'm living my life on the path, and it's full of blessings! A CHILD! A BABY GIRL. That wouldn't be such a blessing if I/we had gone on our own whim on our own path.

I have been struggling with the idea of fundraising for a long time now. One part of me would like to do some tent making after we move to Poland, or find some way of supporting our selves, the other part really does not want to take time away from ministry.

So I struggle with asking for funds because I am an independent person, I struggle with not asking because my heart wants to be available for full-time ministry. The truth is that we must find a balance between being funded from outside and doing tent-making. Full-time missions and ministry will certainly become much harder in the years ahead, and I'm sure that if we are anywhere near the end-times it won't even be possible.

I'm glad that I have skills that can be used all around the world, who knows, maybe my company will expand to Europe, maybe it won't, but maybe I can become the remote admin or something. There's a lot of things I could do.

Thinking back though I should also hold onto a promise we heard God tell us a few years ago, that we would be sent, with full financial and authoritative support from our church body. Right now though, that's just a glimmer, we haven't started any formal process, except leading small teams on short trips. What does full financial support look like? I guess that is the real question. Is it a job? Is it committed donors?

We don't want to be independent, we want to be inter-dependent on God and his body, and the gifts he's given us. So the honey? It's the sweet reasurance of God's provision and hand in the unknown. With the knowledge and faith of all that he has given and continues to provide.

Well it's New Year's eve here, it's a little after 5:00pm Pacific Stand Time right now. 2007 was full of all kinds of events and news that changes the course of many people's lives. Alexis and I concieved Emma who will be born in just over three months, we've been to France, Poland, and Germany, yet again with another trip to Poland not to far away, we got an additional car... I say all of this because they are all things which took faith in our finances...

None of these events were overly planned, we didn't put away for any of these specifically, nor did we consult our investors, we made a conscience desicision to give some things to God that we knew were either practical needs or ministry desires, and in Emma's case, a heart desire. On paper and ledgers, we didn't have the resources to make any of it happen.

We have and will always put our faith in God to provide for us, he always has, and always will. Sure it gets scary, sure we've used our "own" resources at times when we thought others would donate, but in the end it's always Him who gets the glory. It's all about Him.

While I would love the comfort of knowing that our financial resources were something that we didn't have to monitor, I know at the same time we would be so distracted by our own desires that leaving for our calling would be much more hard, if even possible to fufill.

Happy New Year, may you build your faith in Him and expierence the joy of serving in His kingdom this year - even when your resources are low, or negative (such as ours have been many times).

5 Years ago I was fairly flaky about things... the only constant was being with friends
4 Years ago I began getting serious about tithing
3 Years ago I began getting serious about offerings
2 Years ago I began creating boundaries for my day
1 Year ago I got serious about making priorities a reality

Out of all of this, I have always had what I needed, always made it through the hard times, always had wise council through confusion and have always been able to see through the fog.

Becoming consistent in life with my words, thoughts, and actions and making my yes be yes, and my no be no, has brought nothing but peace and love into my life. I never waver on the things I listed above, and the less I waver about life the less messy life is.