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Monday, December 27, 2004

Freedom & Glory

Take a look at 2 Corinthians 3:7 through 2 Corinthians 4:18, simply amazing. This is the first peace of scripture to jump out at me (mostly due to my lack of motivation) in the past year or more! It has given me a much needed dose of hope. Here are just a few highlights:

3:8 - Shouldn't we expect far greater glory when the Holy Spirit is giving life?
3:12 - Since this new covenant gives us such confidence, we can be very bold.
3:17-18 - Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.
4:7-10 - But this precious treasure - this light and power that now shine within us -- is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can se that our glorious power is from God and is not our own. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
4:11-13 - Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be obvious in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but it has resulted in eternal life for you. But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believed God, and so I speak."
4:16-18 - That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an imeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. for the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

I hate being needy.

Listening to: Complainte de la Butte - Rufus Wainwright - Moulin Rouge [Original Soundtrack]

I hate feeling useless, needing to talk with people because I feel depressed, never accomplishing anything, be unmotivated, having to fight for every ounce of joy, need to prove myself to everyone. I hate it all. It's killing me, I swing back and fourth from feeling as if I can move on, to simply just wanting to give up. God is constantly talking to me in these times, but at the same time I never go forth with anything, at least I never feel that I have in the way that I was suppose to have.

God, save me from this, reach down deep and heal all these lies and the negative motivators that simply burn me out. I wan to give my utmost for his highest, but I trip and fall, and that just ticks me off.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I want to serve.

Listening to: Take This Life - Shawn McDonald - Simply Nothing

Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever. [1 John 2:15-17]
However, I love this world too much, I realize. As much as I turn away from the things of this world, the more I realize that I have not stopped loving what it offers. I just want to serve my king, yet I fall into the desires of the world, for temporary pleasure, that doesn't serve any purpose except to make myself feel good. Moreover, it isn't a kind of "feel good" that is healthy, it's the kind that steals from others.

Father, may you be glorified by opening my eyes to danger before I fall into it, and by giving me ears to hear the warnings, and a mind to discern your truth. Everything I do that is honorable comes from you. May I serve your kingdom, so it may be furthered here on Earth. Remove my will, transform it into yours and ultimately yours will prevail. Only you can provide what I really need, give me what that is. Forgive me for my failure to glorify and honor you in all that I do, forgive me for stealing what honor belongs to others. Keep me from falling in love with the world and desiring its pleasure. Give me freedom, from the chains that bind me, and the lies of the enemy, let me cry out freedom, true freedom. Your kingdom is forever strong, what a pleasure it is to be in your kingdom, albeit I have done nothing to be a part of it, all I can do is serve, and be served. Forever may the glory be yours, amen.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Black and Color moments

Listening to: Here I Am - Shawn McDonald - Simply Nothing

Sometimes the world (definition - my life) seems so full of color, life, activities, and good. Then without warning, it goes void of happiness, joy, and hope. I find myself without an objective, nothing gets accomplished, because nothing is worthy of being accomplished, or so that's what the voice in my head says. I wish my first conscience thoughts were focused on the King, the one who has the greatest objective of all, love the world. I hate it when I fall into this thought process of negativity, shame. It is so non-motivating, and keeps me from doing anything for the Kingdom of Christ. I just want color in my life, I'm tired of the gray.
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
[excerpt: Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth]

Why do I say the things I say?

Listening to: Don't Hate Me - Jordan Munoz - Jordan Munoz

Oh Lord,
Why do I say the selfish things I say? Why do I respond so harshly? Why is my flesh fighting so hard to stay in control? Why do I find myself in this place again? Lord I do not understand myself, I am convicted, yet I continue to make stupid decisions, or I simply forget that I already learned this lesson and I get stuck on repeat. I am sick of repeating, sick of taking three steps forward and then two back, sick of having to change directions at less than half way through a goal and therefore never finishing anything.

Nevertheless, blessed be your name, even through these trials, for your ways only lead to goodness and prosperity. There is light at the end of this tunnel. The weight of your glory slowly but steadily fills my thoughts, my plans, my life. Nothing of mine would be worth anything without you. Everything of mine is because of your great love. Everyone in my life is a gift from you. May everything I do and say be honoring, glorifying, and a blessing to you.

Thank you for today, keeping me from temptation, forgiving me of my sins and directing me to live a lifestyle of repentance.

PS. My wallett came back! Of course it appeared (from the couch where two of us looked, and virtually turned upside down) two weeks after I lost it, and a week after I ordered new cards. The funny thing is, all of my cards came in the mail on the same day that my wallet and I were reunited...

Sunday, December 05, 2004

It's about time

I have been putting it off, because I'm too self centered and prideful to admit that I have a major issue going on in my life. I've been so prideful of my relationship with Alexis that the fall had to come at some point. I promise everyone that I am doing "okay" which doesn't mean I'm doing awesome, or that I am "over it" it just means that I'm working through it.

So, with that said, the news is that Alexis and I are taking time off from being in a relationship, it has been about a month. We both want to seek God's wisdom and guidance in our lives. I use to think that "taking a break" or anything along those lines in a Christian relationship were down right stupid, it's not like you can "take a break" when your married. However, WE ARE NOT MARRIED, and it is best for us to seek individual counseling for our own issues before we bring it into a marriage, where our issues would be much harder to resolve.

My basic thought process this past month has been; I am SO NOT in control of anything, God has to be in control because I have nothing to control anymore. Besides, when I try to control things (such as with Alexis) I screw it all up.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Let go of it

So, I lost my wallet about two days ago. I have never lost my wallet, I don't want to ever lose it again. So, now I really have lost everything... it is time to let go. God is the only one in control, because certainly I am not. Hopefully when I actually have a place to live again, maybe my stability will come back to normal. I just gotta let go.