food for fish

*** Disclaimer: This is only sometimes, some groups, and not even always the same group....***

I'm involved with so many people, but why am I not in any of the stories or pictures? Why am I always the wallflower, the guy that people never mention in the stories or see in the pictures? Why can�t I just be comfortable, why can�t I just come out of my shell? Why do I always want to do something different, but never have the guts? Why can�t I ever flirt with a girl? Why am I never hugged when everyone else is? Why do I feel all weird, or stupid when I give hugs? Why do I always seem like I�m untouchable to people when all want is to be touched, emotionally as well as affectionately? Why when I do finally attempt to break my mold I make a stupid fool of my self and no one laughs, and think I�m just weird? Why when I speak, do I feel retarded? Why can�t I function in groups? Why am I so frustrated around natural leaders? Why can�t I lead? Why has God put people on my heart, but I can�t seem to communicate it? I love people, but can�t make a difference. I don�t understand people who follow, I don�t want to be a follower, I don�t believe I am, but sometimes I feel like a follower and I hate it. Why am I always afraid to interact with a girl who I�m actually attracted to (this is not a common occurrence)? I eventually do, but I never know what to do, I never have the guts to ask her on a date, WHY? Why am I so afraid of rejection? Why am I so conscience of people�s interactions, and my lack thereof? I only want to be real with people; I don�t want to be fake. I want to be, show, live, and radiate Jesus in everything I do, but I don�t, I just sit there as if I�ve been stunned by the people's eyes.

I want to be confident.
I want to be a leader with a plan, with respect.
I don�t want to be lazy anymore.
I don�t want to fall to temptation.
I want to show Christ in EVERYTHING I do.
I want to know God even more, every day I want more of God.

My problem right now?
I don�t have a friend at the same understanding of God, with the same convictions, with the same heart for all people, I need a friend who I can partner with, console with, show Christ with! I have awesome friends, awesome friends who love God, who love people, who have the same convictions, but there is something missing in me� God has filled my spirit with His Holy Spirit, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior� but there is still something missing, I am incomplete� I need a wife. Not now, but eventually yes. I am not even looking right now, God has other plans for now, but I needed to vent, I needed to just let everyone know what I�m struggling with, because otherwise I wouldn�t. Thanks for reading.

.: prayers, prayer requests :.

Father God,

You are rad, awesome, cool, and just a good thing.
Let your name always be radical, always be trouble to people, and always be honored.
May your Kingdom grow, may people learn of your true love, may the people stop being legalistic, stop being petty about you, and start loving you and your people and all people of the Earth!
I give up my will, my plans, my ideas for yours Lord.
Help me to over come temptation, I praise you for the strength you�ve given me this past week.
I thank you that I am loved by my friends, my family and by you.
I ask all of these things in your Son�s name, Jesus Christ.
Amen.

Love measured by how we treat others� [Mathew 10:40-42]

40 "Anyone who welcomes you is welcoming me, and anyone who welcomes me is welcoming the Father who sent me. 41 If you welcome a prophet as one who speaks for God,* you will receive the same reward a prophet gets. And if you welcome good and godly people because of their godliness, you will be given a reward like theirs. 42 And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded."

Love your enemies! [Luke 6:27-36]
27 "But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. 28 Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. 30 Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. 31 Do for others as you would like them to do for you. 32 "Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that! 33 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much! 34 And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return. 35 "Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. 36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.