food for fish

I do what I do not want to do, and I do not do what I want to do. That essentially sums up my life right now. I've made these stupid rules for myself that will never lead to any kind of victory. And every time I try and set a rule I just fall, and it is always when I think "I'm doing pretty good, I've kept away from that place for a while" and then boom, I fall, more flat and hard than the previous time. I'm feeling bipolar in my faith, one moment I see, I believe, and I love. The next moment I grab what feels good, what fufills the moment, and what is self-serving.

I'm beginning to realize that rules really have controlled my life, even if I never admitted to it and always rejected rules before. I really just love to set up these little things called "goals" and I know a lot of others who do this too. These have basically hidden a lot of rules, I set a goal to not do this, or to do such and such, well most of the time I fail at said goals. This leads to discontent, angry thoughts, and disappointment. God gave us one rule in the very beginning; do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That is it, one rule. It wasn't disguised as a goal or anything else, it was simple. I've taken way to many bites of the fruit of that tree, I know way to many things which are good and evil and I compare and contrast it all. I simply want life. Where did that fruit go again? It's found in Christ.