food for fish

I'm so tired that I can't even really get to sleep! My mind is overactive and I have a feeling of dullness inside. Probably this is all due to being over-tired... I should get to sleep. I'm having another rough start to a week, it seems Mondays bring around at least opression, if not a bit of depression, I'm just fried by this time of the week. These are the days that I MUST (but have no desire) get into God, reading His word, being in prayer, and being open with people, but instead my flesh takes over, and my spirit seems dry.

I'm realizing more and more that we need deep, meaningful relationships. We simply need them. I know a lot of people go about their entire lives w/o these kinds of relationships, holding everyone at arm's length, claiming that they are "good" when you ask them "how are you?". Yet, I know that they simply can not be good, they are only feeling as good as they have ever felt, but if they would allow someone inside, they would know that GOOD can be so much better. The even stranger thing is that the key to that deep/meaningful relationship door seems to be only through our heavenly Father. It seems to me that people who have not been touched by Him really have a hard time being truly open, and willing to discuss personal issues. I believe this is true because only our God is graceful and merciful. With grace and mercy, comes real freedom.

Last night I had an amazing opportunity to talk with a friend, God had put it on my hear that I needed to talk with him. I didn't know why, just needed too. I know that God used him to open my door a bit wider, lately it's been simply ajar, and hard to see into. I'm excited but still a bit scared to share things again, but I know it's the right thing to do.

At about 9:00am - Outside our living room.

This is outside our kitchen window.

And finally outside our bedroom window again.

I know some of you would pay to be bored, I would pay to be doing something that I have a passion to do. The grass is always greener on the other side. This season that God has us in also has me in a very trying state of "wait". It's a good place and I know that it will require much patience. I feel as though there is something that I must give birth to, but I have no idea when, and only a hint of the "what". I know God has something very exciting and that this waiting season is a key ingredient for full gestation to occur. In the mean time I must hunker down and write technical documents are server migrations and more fun stuff like that.

I could talk about boundaries and transparency until the Lord returns. Over at Sister’s Weblog Susan recently was looking back at transparency. This got me thinking about a couple of things. First, many people, and most Christians are so afraid of absolute transparency that they have locked themselves into a pseudo prison of shame and guilt. The funny thing is, the more transparent we are the less guilt and shame we need to deal with, we must still repent and always listen to the Holy Spirit for conviction, but guilt and shame are simply tools of the enemy. In Susan’s post, she highlights a number of verses that support the idea that God deeply desires our transparency. When we are transparent with what we are struggling with, with our issues, it brings awareness to the situation so that God can use his people to bring his healing, his wisdom, and most of all his love. I know this is true, because in my own life I have experienced this, and every time I become more transparent I have greater freedom to be who I truly am.

God uses people to do his work, read the Bible and you’ll see that, the idea that God does things unexpectedly is not 100% accurate, yes it some aspects, but the overwhelming majority of scripture shows that God uses people to get his work done. Inversely, the enemy does the same thing… Thank God that only one third of the angels followed Satan, and that the Lord still has the other two thirds bringing messages to us to do His work!

Now why did I mention boundaries? Well, because many people do not truly understand why saying “no” brings true freedom. You see, if we live by our God given priorities (i.e. staying in His word, praying/listening for Him, loving/protecting guiding our families, doing the things that support our calling, and the list goes on) we will experience freedom that only God can create. Alexis and I are learning this now, we have many things that come up, ministry opportunities, trips, many “fun and exciting” things, however, we have made the decision to honor God first by always filtering all opportunities through our priorities which we know are from Him. Because of this we do not feel guilt/shame if we have to say no to someone/something because we know that God has an amazing plan for us, one that will prosper us, and not bring us harm.

Together if we ask God for his priorities in our life, support them with boundaries, and are continually transparent with God and his bride (the church, other believers) we can experience a life of freedom from doubt, shame, and guilt. Believe me it is not easy, in fact sometimes it is incredibly hard, but the consequences are life-giving instead of life-taking.

Lord, I ask you to continue working in me, open my mind to be open with my brothers and sisters. Help me to get to the root cause of my struggles, and to be aware of the things in my life that may cause me to fall into my struggles. Lord I thank you for my friends that push me to be aware of the triggers and allow God to work in it. I thank you for your endless mercy and grace, I know at times I feel as though I’ve reached some kind of limit, but I know that it is only that old dragon’s influence turning the truth into a lie.

So, I tried posting this entry from my phone a couple of times the other day and it just never made it. On Thursday morning I witnessed one of the most amazing sun rises over Mt. Hood, it was fantastic. I was humbled because the sunrise reminded me of God's full goodness; and most of the time I do not give him enough credit for all of the amazing, big and small, things he does in my life, and in the world each and every day. Instead I tend to focus on what the enemy is/has/will/seems to be doing. While it is important to discern what is from God and what is from the enemy, I want to be a person who focuses on God's work, it is much more encouraging and gives me energy.

I praise God that he has sent his Holy Spirit to all of his believers, to guide me and all of us into the true light. So, take a moment and give God what he deserves, your praise. He is good.

Lord, I know your grace is enough, it is all I need. My flesh must be cut away and my spirit must come fourth if I am to fully embrace your goodness. May my choices bring honor and glory to you. May my choices be your will as what is done in heaven. May my choices be of forgiveness, grace, and mercy as you have endleslly given us. May I choose to eat of your bread each day. May my choices give you glory, honor, and power. In Jesus' name - Amen.

So I am having one of those nights, where I don't know which way is up. I feel stressed, but when I think about it, I cannot think of anything that is causing the stress. So, then I wonder if it is the enemy “just” pushing my buttons, or if it is “simply” the fact that I am feel physically exhausted. When all of those things happen my journaling/life lesson doesn’t happen, such was the case today, which in turn created a number of other issues (that longing to connect with God didn’t happen, wasting time on nothing particular and really not that exciting either, etc, etc). The list can on and on.

Simply put, I feel defeated, and the fact of the matter is, the enemy is the root cause. My sin nature wants to satisfy the flesh, and my spirit gets the short end of the stick. This could easily turn into a depression time, and at the moment it’s a ticked off time (in which my wife gets the short end of the stick, hence a fight with me tonight). Bottom line, Travis no feel good. Travis need to do priorities.

Father, so much inside of me is spinning around, it feels as if something nasty is about to be birthed out of me, or as if I could puke the black plague out. Lord, I need you, and I know you are here. I thank you for your Holy Spirit, that you can bring my flesh under control when I cannot. Lord I am asking for your wisdom and your fellowship. I thank you for this venue of venting. May you control my lips, my heart, and my spirit, multiply your fruit in me, and may your humility guide me. In Jesus’ name – AMEN.

Have you ever looked at a computer monitor/object for so long at one time that when you take your eyes off of it you can't really focus on anything else at a different depth? Yeah, it's certainly time to go home. 15 min to go! Whoo hoo.

This is Alexis with our friend's 2 year old, Kaydin.

Yes it's a commercial, but it is what I do... and times that by 155 clients that we have and now you know why Travis is grumpy sometimes and just wants to stay far far away from anything that has electrons flowing through it.

Watch it here.

I'm actually looking forward to doing my journaling time today. This is good, it means something is changing. Have I mentioned that the second half of my day 4 days of the week is quite boring... I have to try really hard to find things to do. Yikes... it's not my company though, I'm contracted at the moment to another place right now, and I'm only here for "help desk" things.

I just read through today’s life lessons, and I was again struck by God’s perfect love. I read Genesis 6-7 and Luke 3:1-22 and although at a glance they may seem to be completely unrelated, Noah’s flood and the intro to John the Baptist, the common thread is one of justice and love. The flood was about God having favor with Noah as the only human, at the time, to have a righteous and blameless life. John the Baptist was the one to make the way for Jesus as Lord and the only one to live an entire righteous and blameless life.

Both passages reminded me that I am far from blameless, but I do know that I am righteous, only because of Jesus. I am seen as white as snow, spotless, fully redeemed at the price of Jesus’ blood. Yet at times I am as wicked, as full of sin, and worthy of death by fire. But now I am seen as completely washed of my sins, and God guides me with his cleansing water and fire with His Holy Spirit. The flood of Noah cleansed the earth of evil, the fire of Jesus’ words cleansed humanity of evil. I’ll leave you with John’s prophesy about Jesus:

John answered their questions by saying, “I baptize you with water; but someone is coming soon who is greater than I am—so much greater that I’m not even worthy to be his slave and untie the straps of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. Luke 3:16 nlt

So here I am at work, actually at a client of ours in Portland's perl district (a great place to visit, but not to be stuck in bored out of your mind unable to visit all the cool things around you), bored, yet on edge that because I'm bored I'm not doing the right thing. I need to just chill out. Gosh, it's hard though. If I'm not doing something productive I feel that I'm going to be in trouble. I have things to do, but I'm waiting on this or that... strange. Anyway, better go before someone asks why I'm on blogger :)

The pastor at our church challenged us about a month ago to really journal, now I have been journaling for the most part everyday the last four years. Well, except the last year, it's been more like once to three times a week, there are a number of reasons as to what caused this change, mostly due to apathy and being "busy". Well, I really am trying to change this and get back into journaling and blogging, I enjoy writing and I know God has gifted me with the ability to write for a reason. So, our pastor gave the entire congregation on Wednesday night what he calls "life lessons", it's a journal with a reading plan, and a very simple journaling plan. It's what Jason (our pastor) calls "S.O.A.P." which stands for Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer. This is kind of what I’ve always done, to the most part, just now it’s in a neat little package that gets me thinking. So today's reading I chose the "meal" option (there's three different options, all revolving around the same text, 1. Snack, 2. Meal, and 3. Feast), I chose meal, which today was on Genesis 3 and Luke 2. In a nutshell, the theme God spoke to me was his transcending love, a love that gently guided us into obedience (the fall, Genesis 3) and a love that came to teach and for us to either reject or accept (Luke 2, the coming of Christ and his early childhood). In both passages we see God's love. Most of all in Luke 2:34-35:

Then Simeon blessed them, and he said to Mary, the baby’s mother, “This child is
destined to cause many in Israel to fall, but he will be a joy to many others.
He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him. As a result, the
deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your
very soul.”

I noticed that Jesus was destined to either be accepted or rejected by people, and we must be prepared for the same, we are, after all, His followers. Lord, I ask for you to be near, to be the God of us that chooses good over evil, and for you to guide is into your goodness and stray away from knowing "both good and evil" for you designed us to know only your goodness, and in our pride we chose both good and evil.

Father, I ask that you bless our friends, Jason and Cassiday through this transition period, that you bring full understanding and that your Holy Spirit guide them into miracles they never thought possible. I pray for Jason, as a man of Your word, to be guided by your goodness and your wisdom. Lord I pray that the enemy STOP pushing the buttons, in your name I ask for healing from the storms that won't stop, I ask Lord for your divine rest and peace and that the faith of his friends and family be a constant encouragement. Lord, I pray for Kerstin's parents to have safe travel, for your word to be known to them intimately, and most of all, Lord, for your Son to be revealed to them; in only a way that our faith in you can understand. Lord I ask that you bring me to my knees, that I let my pride down, and that I see your beauty in everything I do and in every person that I encounter. In Jesus' name - Amen.

Well, I was going to link to a video of the weekend before Christmas service at our church, but they don't have it on the website anymore. We now have to pay to see old services... I would like to know the rational behind that one. Anyway. My wife did a wonderful dance/sign language interpretation to Celine Dion's "A New Day has come", maybe I can get some video of it at some point. Anyway the words are great and you can apply it to the new year.

A new day has...come
I was waiting for so long For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the
darkness and good times I knew I'd make it through And the world thought I had
it all But I was waiting for you
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky Oh,
it's almost blinding me I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears Let it fill my soul and drown my
fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A new day has...come
Where
it was dark now there's light Where there was pain now there's joy Where there
was weakness, I found my strength All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, love
I
see a light in the sky Oh, it's almost blinding me I can't believe I've been
touched by an angel with love Let the rain come down and wash away my tears Let
it fill my soul and drown my fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A
new day has...come
A new day has...come Ohhh, a light... OOh

I think Alexis and I are finally feeling like this house is really our house. I think the main reason is that we find our selves being totally content to be home alone. While we love to host people and we love entertaining, sometimes after a long week, it is just nice to be at home and do whatever you want. I find this particularly true with my new job, I’m dealing with people, customers, manager, all kinds of people in all kinds of positions all day, everyday.

The best part of this situation is that when we have people over or we go to a friend's house it is so much more fun and entertaining than ever before, a lot higher quality. Last night, in our young adults group, Sarah spoke about the twelve life lessons that God gave her this past year. One of them dealt with the idea that we do not have to be people pleasers, or buddy’s to everyone and their brother, even Jesus was close to just a few. Now I have “known” this but I didn’t really know it, because I still found myself affected by people when something wasn’t right, or, God forbid, they were upset with me. You know what, I just can’t please everyone, and others make the choice to be upset, as long as I do my part to always move towards resolution, that’s my responsibility, if they don’t choose to, it isn’t my job to make it right.

So, I am so glad that we have this place, it is a huge blessing, at times it seems like way to much, but times like tonight, I am so at peace and love God for it.

Hey the dust is settling! I finally have all my pictures uploaded again! A few may be missing or out of place, but things are looky like home again. WELCOME BACK!

Hey! Guess what? I'm feeling motivated to finally fix this place up and start blogging on a truly regular basis again! :) I promise (with the exception that real life does trump blogging at times).

I am slowly getting things back to normal, we have Internet at our house now! So, I'll be bringing my pictures back online and soon we'll have wedding pictures too! Also I hope to actually blog a lot more when all of the projects around the house are finished, just a couple more to go.

In the meantime don't forgot to be thankful for all the little things that God does. You're alive, you have internet access, that's a lot more than some people...

Not so big as in words... just as in life changes.

I got a new job at Cyclone Computers. It's a lot of fun and challenging, hoping that I'll have more client work soon. Due to getting a new job Alexis and I also found a new townhouse that we are renting, it's amazing, a total blessing. So, stability has come... now we just want to feel settled. We finally will have our own bed to sleep on this Sunday! Yippy