food for fish

Alexis and I have been in Poland since last Monday and we are enjoying it a lot, time seems to be going faster here then at any other part of our trip. We've seen our old friends, and have done a lot of talking with Denise about the future. We are excited for what God has in store for us and we are looking forward to making more trips in the future, maybe with some of you!

If you want to read more what God wants us to do click here and here. Blessings and thanks!

This place is a mess, sorry. Between, college graduation, getting married, canceling my internet account (hence the reason the pictures are gone), and traveling around Europe for over a month now, Foodforfish has gone a hyatus. But come back in a month or so and it'll be back up, and hopefully with at least weekly updates! Blessings!

Revel in your singleness, I have just three more days of single-hood and there is a small part of me that will definitely miss the freedom of doing whatever I want when I want. However, there is a larger part of me that is very much ready for a life-helper to share life with. You could say that something is dieing so that something much more beautiful may come, or you could say that this process is something like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, neither way of life is better than the other, they are simply different. The process however of going from singleness to marriage is not a simple one, not matter how "similar" you and your partner may be.

Alexis and I have one very strong chord that keeps us in line, it is God, and He has certainly shown us amazing things, about each other, the past, and the future. We know that our future together is God's will and is an essential part to the ministries He has called us into. We have a firm belief that we do not do commit to anything unless is somehow fits into the ministries God has called us into. What that means is that because He has called us into leadership training and restoration we will not commit to just "any" ministry simply because there is a need, we will earnestly pray and seek God's wisdom in ministry decisions to see if it lines up with His will and call on our lives. If we can incorporate what He has placed on our hearts then we will consider it, if we cannot we will not consider such opportunities. What we have learned is that weather you are single or married ministry is not something to simply do for the sake of doing it, it is something that we are all called to (Eph 4:12, we are all to be equipped for ministry), however God's desires are in our heart, and if we are not doing what God desires specifically for us, then why do it?

PS. We are still short of our missions funds for the summer, please consider donating (donation information on right). Thanks!

So, yes I should have gone and looked at the details. But everything seemed peachy until today I look at our Honey Moon details and discovered that the ferry Alexis and I are taking (the only one on the day we leave) from Pula, Croatia to Venice, Italy gets to Venice at 11am on the 21st of July, which is the same time our flight from Venice to Frankfurt is...

There are two options, one leave Pula on the 18th (which means staying three very expensive nights in Venice and changing our Hotel reservation, another fee). Second, changing our flight to a later one on the 21st out of Venice (probably cheaper than staying three days in Venice, if possible). Pray that one of these works out and the money to make the changes comes through. Thanks!

I wish it were easy to "just say no", in many ways. Sometimes people ask you to do things that you really don't want to do, just say no. Sometimes people ask you to do things that you don't have time for, just say no. Sometimes you want to do something that you shouldn't, just say no. Sometimes you do things that you shouldn't, so you do it more, just say no. Sometimes… No is the answer, but it isn't easy.

Saying no, is about thinking out the consequences first than replying. Saying no, is about living smart. However, people tend to go two ways with this "no" thing. One, they either never say no and are paralyzed that other people will say, do, or think something negative. Or Two, they say no to everything to "protect" themselves and use it to manipulate others into getting really what they want. No is power, and with power comes pride. No is power, but just like any power we must use it for good. That means saying no when we should and saying yes when we should. Communicating and thinking about the consequences of our "yes's and no's" is the key to living a life that moves with purpose.

That's what life feels like, and I know that when life feels this way I start to detach from reality. Just three more days to go, and graduation! YAY.

You Are Fish

You have a well formed palate and a daring appetite. If it's served to you, you'll at least try it. People are pretty scared of your exotic ways. But once they get a taste of you, they're addicted!

Tomorrow night Alexis and I will be enjoying Les Miserable at the Fifth Avenue Theater in Seattle. Earlier in the day Alexis will be trying on her wedding dress too. We have just over a month to go! Pray that we can somehow get everything in order, this past week I applied for 11 jobs, and so now I wait, and apply for more next week. Thanks for your prayers and know that we are seeing God in all kinds of things.

I'm finally making some changes around here… I like the layout, but I'm ready for a new paint job. I'm thinking something that says "a hike in the mountains". Wait and see.

Listening to: Everyday - SONICFLOOd
My laptop randomly chooses pictures from my large assortment of pictures over the years, currently a very nice picture of my old apartment is set as my wallpaper, and I miss that place! As I think back to those days I remember a time when life had a steady pace. I worked Monday - Friday, and had the same activities weekly on the same days, and those days that didn't have anything I always had people to call or I always had a place to go home to be by myself. These days I live with 10-15 other people at all times (right now I'm the only one downstairs though, it is quite nice) and after two years of this I am certainly ready to have a place to call "home" again, of course this time Alexis will be with me and a whole new atmosphere will be built, but that's okay, I'm so looking forward to it. I have a lot of ideas for our new place, and so does Alexis (our invitations have TMA, for Travis Mielonen Alexis, I laughed today when Alexis said it stood for "too much attitude", pretty true when it comes to decisions such as how to decorate the house).

Anyway, my prayer request is that when we get back from Europe I can find a job quick enough that Alexis and I can get a new place fairly quick, right now it's a little hard applying for jobs since we'll be gone for seven weeks. If I don't find a job quickly we'll need to stay somewhere for real cheap, like $300 or less (and that's pushing it if we want to keep up on our regular bills) until I get a job. We have our eyes on some townhouses right here in downtown Gresham, they go for $710/month, two stories, one ½ baths, two bedroom, quite nice, tot real big, but big enough. Please pray for this, thanks!

I think I may have God induced exhaustion. What I mean is that I have been so physically exhausted the past few days that I am finding myself doing some things that I really enjoy, and I am totally hearing from God. At the same time temptations have been strong. But this entire season the words for me have been "endurance" and "perseverance", everyday I have to lean on God for the strength to resist temptations, endure frustrations, and persevere in speaking truth to the lies that I deal with.

I feel the edge of passion returning, a sacred kind of passion, and an incredible return to that first honeymoon of my salvation. Amazing grace that is what this is.

I need to be broken and on my knees. I was going through my song library when I came upon Jars of Clay "World's apart". Boy have I been a world apart from the "honeymoon" of my salvation; the exciting time where every chord of worship, every word of a sermon, and every conversation about God would carry on for hours and hours; where people from six different churches would simply come together to fellowship, worship together, pray for each other in public. Life seemed to ooze with Jesus. However, this honeymoon isn't called a honeymoon for no reason; it is was just that… now I'm walking in a marriage with Him, the Lord and Savior of the world. And as in all marriages it takes many intentional decisions, working through the "feelings" and moving into an unconditional loving (<--- that is not a mistake). Here are the words of "Worlds apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high
And like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin
Of One who loves
More deeply than the oceans
More abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood
And water flow
To love You take my world apart
To need You I am on my knees
To love You take my world apart
To need You broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did You really have to die for me
All I am for all You are
Because what I need and what I believe
Are worlds apart

I have had some anxious thoughts over the past month about where I'm headed. These thoughts started as questions about my calling, my upcoming marriage, friends, ministry, etc. However, whenever I thought about "quitting" any of these things I just had a twist in my stomach that yelled "no". I know that God is using these things to challenge me, push me, and strengthen me into the man he wants me to be. I have a peace, an assurance that the path I am heading is the way.

The discouragement, the lies, the lack of motivation has certainly had me in a slow walk, but I do not see this as bad. I see this past quarter as a time where God has wanted me, albeit hard, and at times very discouraging, and the enemy has certainly played with these thoughts. God has known though that I would turn to Him for the truth, and in return I have received His truth, His grace, and His love in all of those areas.

Then I received some reassurance just before I began to write this… I loaded up biblegateway.com and took a look at the verse of the day it was "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."- James 3:17-18 NIV. I have been leaning on heaven's wisdom, wisdom that surpasses human understanding; even though at times God has caught me straying away from this. Every time I find myself anxious and wanting to dishonor God, another person, or myself, I come to the choice of leaning on Him. I choose to be meek, that is, I choose to be wisely, strongly, humble before my Lord, Savior, and God. This is the assurance we all have in Christ Jesus, the assurance that when we choose Him, the Kingdom of Heaven touches earth, and his will is done, just as it is in heaven.

Yeah, that wonderful little adjective describing ones drive or enthusiasm for the stuff of life. Well, right now I have a lot to do, but I don't have much motivation to do it, yet it is stuff that is bugging me, things like cleaning my room, doing my laundry, cleaning my desk, making phone calls, etc. All of these things are not all that bad in and of themselves, yet, when I've been in 40 hours worth of meetings in the course of five days, my motivation lacks. However, these past five days have been amazing, absolutely great and I wouldn't have made a different decision, I just wish I had done the laundry before I left for a three day retreat… I out of clothes… not fun.

I really want to get back into regular blogging, I really enjoy it, yet that motivation factor plays in. This motivation thing is not new either… With my brain constantly being injected with information, emotions, and excitement, the words just do not seem to explain it all. However, I am confident that some day it will come back, and once again the fish will be fed.

The small group that Alexis and I are involved in right now is going through a series called "Wounded by Shame healed by Grace"; it is a wonderful group "counseling" (for lack of a better term) series. Currently we are just on week two, and the main concepts discussed have been performance driven shame, and guilt verses shame. It has been quite eye opening and I just can't wait to see what else God will reveal to me, Alexis, and our relationship together.

For myself I have noticed that much of the things I have done, and still some of the things I do to this day have been driven by performance, albeit not consciously. I remember a number of times saying "yes" to something simply because someone of "importance" asked me to do it, which must have meant that "they liked me" therefore if I do a good job on this task I will be "better" in their eyes, and in me. This is just not true, I am who I am because of what God says I am, not anyone else. Performance is really simply self-focus, it's saying "what I do, is what makes me" it doesn't allow for God to make me into who He wants me. This is shame because I became ashamed for not "meeting the standard", not "pleasing the person", or a number of other things. Shame based performance happens a lot with people, usually it comes in the form of performance love, "if you do this thing, or please me well enough you'll get a treat (love), but if you don't than you are punished." This is different than actually disobeying an agreed/understood upon consequence to something. This kind of performance-love plays out in families all too often, instead of separating the behavior or task from the person, the ability to do a task or behavior reflects onto the person's being. What a person does, and who a person is should never be equated.

That's my little rant, and my little journey into some deeper stuff. I am not perfect, and I know that I say things that shame people, but I want to be held accountable, and for people to call me on these things.

Lord God, I pray that you continue to open my eyes to your wisdom in giving and receiving grace. Your amazing grace isn't called amazing for no reason. It is amazing because no matter the circumstance, no matter the issue at hand, I am covered by your grace. Lord help to live in your grace and not the judgments of others, nor to be motivated by other people's thoughts, judgments, or shame. Thank you, in Jesus' name. AMEN.

We are having a 24-7 prayer time here in Gresham, as an Intern with the church here we help facilitate the environment and keep prayer going every hour for seven days. Eventually we want to have a "boiler" room where we will have prayer 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and 365 days a year. However, this is the beginning, and it has been a great success! The Lord is doing some amazing things in people's lives. It has been awesome to pray with some of the general public that walk in when they see the banner up outside.

As for me, this time has been a good time to focus my prayers, and renew some of the commitments I have made to the Lord these past few years. As our wedding date comes closer I realize that God has been moving in my life in very subtle, yet significant ways. I've realized that over the past ten months or so it has been so easy to "access" God's presence, in a way, I no longer need to run to Him because I know that I am always with Him and he is always with me. Even during the midst of trouble, confusion, and frustration, I am able to allow His spirit to calm me down and for His wisdom and knowledge to guide me instead of my fleshly instincts and logic.

Thank you Lord, for your spirit of wisdom and knowledge, thank you for your love, and for your mercy. Father I pray for more of pure desire, to be pure in my thoughts, my actions, and in my love towards Alexis. Father protect Alexis and all the of the women at the retreat this weekend, bless them with your comfort, and your heart-desires. May they become aware of the authority you have given them, may they be blessed with your truth. May YOU be the center of their being. In Jesus' name, I pray - Amen.

Here's for the whole world to see some of our engagement photos! Enjoy!

Silhouettes of color that stock me
In response to what I cannot see
Images of feelings,
And feelings of images

At times I know, those times a rare
Why not then? But why now?
Images of feelings
And feelings of images

The reeling of the real
While I ask here now
These images, these feelings
Those images, those feelings

Should I reel the real
Or should I just deal?
Because the images of the feelings
Are just reeling the feelings of the images

Are these images real?
Are these feelings real?
Or am I just an image of what I feel?

Today I met with one of the pastors at our church, Jason, it was something that God prompted me to do well over a month ago during a message that he had given on a Wednesday night. I didn't really have any clue as to why God asked me to do this, except that down in my heart something wasn't quite right. So, I sent the email, and it was scheduled (he's a pretty busy man). The appointment was at nine in the morning, well before I usually get up on a Friday (Thursday/Friday are my weekend), but I knew I had to, so I did. I had my journal with me, all my notes, and all my colored pens (I color code my journal… OCD… maybe) ready to go.

Well I get into his office and tell him why I setup the appointment, for some guidance, direction in ministry is what I had written, and that is what I said. However, God had some other plans, because Jason did what I asked, but not as I had actually expected. You see, not more than 10 minutes into conversation did the question of purity in my life come up, first between Alexis and I. I told him the truth, we are doing quite well in that area, the furthest we have gone is kissing, and maybe an arm up a shirt, but never past the ribs, I know it sounds impossible, but I tell you the truth. Then we got into my own purity, my thoughts, and that I haven't gone more than two weeks without "acting out" (a.k.a. masturbation) my impure thoughts for about seven months now. Of course this was of no surprise to him, because just about every male on the planet deals with this in some fashion or another. The thing is, for some reason, it really hit me tonight while processing our conversation, that this is a key foundational stone for our marriage, and our marriage is a foundational stone for our future ministry to the Polish people.

The topic of purity also brought about my daily habits and situations, what triggers me to act out; this lead to four basic areas, stress, being in the Word, exercise, and sleep. All of which are either too high or low. The big one for me recently, especially the past seven months, has been being in the Word. So, I took the step tonight to read the Word for learning and listening, not just for the sake of "checking it off my list". I never thought I would have that attitude, however it has happened.

So, in my reading tonight I went with something "simple" and read Proverbs 24, because it is the 24th of the month. Two verses stuck out, verse three, and verse 27, both of which deal with building a home and a business. Both of which I applied to my current situation, I must develop my business before building my home, and I must build my home on wisdom and good sense. My business right now is my ministry, which is to my fiancé, this is my business to wisely develop our marriage and minister to each other, for a lifetime of ministry to each other, and just as Christ laid down his life for the church (his bride) I will lay down my life for my bride. This is requiring a mega-shift in my thinking, a completely new paradigm and I know that God has much in store. Because of this, I have committed to God, that I will keep myself accountable, to get up early to read the word, spend quality time with Alexis, and open the lines of communication with my accountability partners. I am asking a good friend of mine to call me in the mornings and make me get up for this, because I know right now I am too weak, extreme maybe, will it work I hope so, God is good and I want His heart, and this is what is in my heart to run after His. The Lord has called me, and now He is calling me deeper, and it will not be easy, and I will need to suck it up at times, but I will persevere with Him by my side, it is His will, and His will be done.