food for fish

Today I met with one of the pastors at our church, Jason, it was something that God prompted me to do well over a month ago during a message that he had given on a Wednesday night. I didn't really have any clue as to why God asked me to do this, except that down in my heart something wasn't quite right. So, I sent the email, and it was scheduled (he's a pretty busy man). The appointment was at nine in the morning, well before I usually get up on a Friday (Thursday/Friday are my weekend), but I knew I had to, so I did. I had my journal with me, all my notes, and all my colored pens (I color code my journal… OCD… maybe) ready to go.

Well I get into his office and tell him why I setup the appointment, for some guidance, direction in ministry is what I had written, and that is what I said. However, God had some other plans, because Jason did what I asked, but not as I had actually expected. You see, not more than 10 minutes into conversation did the question of purity in my life come up, first between Alexis and I. I told him the truth, we are doing quite well in that area, the furthest we have gone is kissing, and maybe an arm up a shirt, but never past the ribs, I know it sounds impossible, but I tell you the truth. Then we got into my own purity, my thoughts, and that I haven't gone more than two weeks without "acting out" (a.k.a. masturbation) my impure thoughts for about seven months now. Of course this was of no surprise to him, because just about every male on the planet deals with this in some fashion or another. The thing is, for some reason, it really hit me tonight while processing our conversation, that this is a key foundational stone for our marriage, and our marriage is a foundational stone for our future ministry to the Polish people.

The topic of purity also brought about my daily habits and situations, what triggers me to act out; this lead to four basic areas, stress, being in the Word, exercise, and sleep. All of which are either too high or low. The big one for me recently, especially the past seven months, has been being in the Word. So, I took the step tonight to read the Word for learning and listening, not just for the sake of "checking it off my list". I never thought I would have that attitude, however it has happened.

So, in my reading tonight I went with something "simple" and read Proverbs 24, because it is the 24th of the month. Two verses stuck out, verse three, and verse 27, both of which deal with building a home and a business. Both of which I applied to my current situation, I must develop my business before building my home, and I must build my home on wisdom and good sense. My business right now is my ministry, which is to my fiancé, this is my business to wisely develop our marriage and minister to each other, for a lifetime of ministry to each other, and just as Christ laid down his life for the church (his bride) I will lay down my life for my bride. This is requiring a mega-shift in my thinking, a completely new paradigm and I know that God has much in store. Because of this, I have committed to God, that I will keep myself accountable, to get up early to read the word, spend quality time with Alexis, and open the lines of communication with my accountability partners. I am asking a good friend of mine to call me in the mornings and make me get up for this, because I know right now I am too weak, extreme maybe, will it work I hope so, God is good and I want His heart, and this is what is in my heart to run after His. The Lord has called me, and now He is calling me deeper, and it will not be easy, and I will need to suck it up at times, but I will persevere with Him by my side, it is His will, and His will be done.