food for fish

Now, I have not yet read John Eldredge's book "The Sacred Romance" however, God is showing Alexis and I the magnificent beauty of having God as the center strand of our love affair. If it were not for Him there is absolutely no way I could ever love a person as I do right now. I can honestly say that I am head over heals for her and that I can not imagine life without her, just as life with out Jesus is a very scary thought for me, life without Alexis just wouldn't be right. She is certainly not an idol to me, but she is the object of my love, right now, right here, and God is the eternal object of my love. I know without any doubt, with full certainty, that the God I serve, love, adore, and revere is true.

This isn't just because I am courting an amazing, beautiful young lady, it is because when I made the decision to enter into Jesus' will, and honor, glorify, and praise Him for everything, my entire life got meaning. I have a meaningful life, a life of hope. When I look back over the past five years, there are so many miracles, everything lines up, my life is not just a bunch of random decisions, it is beautifully crafted for purpose.

Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. [Ecclesiastes 4:9-12]

I will write something more formal in the next few days, but out of desperation, and God's way of humbling me, I wanted to get going here. The Lord has been providing for me in very awesome ways, in fact while I was in Poland all last year I never had a month where I was behind in any kind of support.

However this year, a large part of it has been my personal savings (from when I worked full time) and from the very little work that I have had. So now, it has come to a place where I must simply ask. I currently owe $1620 for winter quarter, thankfully the Oregon College of Ministry is graceful, however there does come a point where they must stop. Not only have I not finished paying for winter quarter, spring quarter is just around the corner, and that is going to be another $1900 plus dollars (I bought one book for winter quarter out of six that I should have).

This situation is creating some stress in my life, my job just covers my two bills (car insurance and cell phone) and whatever is left goes towards the college. Unfortunately, because of my duties as an intern (which is part of the school program), I have only time on Tuesdays and Saturdays that I can work, and spiritually I would like to keep one of those days free as a true Sabbath.

So, this is the situation of desperation and humbleness. Thanks for your prayers and support,

If anyone feels compelled to support me in this endeavor to be equipped for the ministry, you may either send a check to:

Oregon College of Ministry
701 N. Main Ave.
Gresham, OR 97030-7236
on the memo line please include: For Travis Mielonen

Alternatively, donate online with PayPal:

I had this test question in my Christian Worldview class: Critically evaluate the following statement in light of our Christian worldview perspective: "One is not able to come to absolute certainty concerning just about everything because of mankind's many limitations. As a result, truth is relative." The following is my answer:

Firstly, the above statement is contradictive to itself since it is an absolute statement, and quite certain in nature. Secondly, it is a statement made from the reasoning of man, a source that is finite and limited as it states. Thirdly, the statement assumes there is no absolute source outside of man for truth.

The statement must be closely examined because at a glance, it seems reasonable, but one must know all in order to make such a statement. The statement itself says humankind is limited; therefore, it falls apart on its own accord.

Further, only when one recognizes that God is truth, and only He is infallible will he/she see the breakdown of logic. Even still, careful consideration will prove that unless one assumes God he/she cannot make an absolute statement of truth. We must acknowledge the biblical God as our authoritive-voice in truth matters, since He is the only one with evidences of truth support.

My brain hurts, but I got twenty points out of twenty possible.

The sun makes a world of difference for my mood. When the light comes in through my windows (as little as there are in my basement apartment) it just livens me up. It seems everything is a little lighter, the people in the streets, the animals, and the overall spiritual environment, everything. When the sun is out, I feel like I'm walking directly with THE SON. I wish I could just internalize this feeling inside, make it a recallable memory, but instead I seem to slip into heaviness when the sun is away. Not all the time, and I must say it is getting better with each day.

God has been showing me many new things in my life, things like saying a simple hello, praying with people on the spot instead of "I'll be praying for you" and the ever-so-simple smile. I have been so humbled by life here, that's just as simple as it gets. Be humble.

Not sure, what it is, but the past few days I've just felt heavy, a little frustrated, but at the same time, I have a peace. I think I just need some time alone, I have not been journaling much nor have I done much personal time. God is trying to speak but for some reason I seem to be ignoring Him and finding other things to do. I love and hate these kinds of times. I'm learning to balance all of my life, so much of it is great, however I must focus on myself. Still, blessed be HIS name. My heart is choosing to say blessed be YOUR name.

Last Wednesday Alexis and I got back together. The past three months has been an incredible stretching time for me. There were definite moments where I thought we would never get back together, but now everything is so different. We are talking differently, we have a very clear idea of what God wants us to do in the future, and we know we will have little, maybe even big, tiffs, but God is the center of this relationship. The counseling I am in right now has shed so much light on all of my little quirks, that is not to say that am 100% better or that things in my past won't rear again, its just that now I can identify them and seek God's guidance.

In other news, Alexis has her own blog now, but I still do not have the address. She's already getting comments and she hasn't advertised or commented on anyone else's blogs, so there must be something good on it! It's a creative writing blog so I'm dieing to see what's on there, she said I'll know soon, she just wants to get it going first. She isn't using her real name on it so I can't search for it.

Young Man:
How beautiful you are, my beloved, how beautiful! Your eyes are soft like doves.

Young Woman:
What a lovely, pleasant sight you are, my love, as we lie here on the grass, shaded by cedar trees and spreading firs. [Song of Songs: 1:15-17]

I have no idea what to write though, there is so much, and right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop just thinking of all the great things God has done in my life these past few months. I guess I can always ask for prayer, prayer for good direction, quiet times to listen to the Lord and to do what is right for the people I love. There is so much going on in my mind right now and so many people that I would love to have long conversations with that I am just kind of in this comatose mindset of not knowing what to do. Tomorrow is a huge day, I will be meeting with people who are the most influential in my life at the moment, and the most authoritive in my life with a big decision to propose to them, I am nervous, and after tomorrow, you all might know why. Well, I had better go.

Here is a quick update. I finished my first quarter at Oregon College of Ministry and the International Training Program with a 3.4 GPA, go Travis! Alexis and I are doing very well, we still are not back together, but it is a time of healing and reflection for our friendship and is probably near its strongest point ever. I have learned a lot about ministry, listening to God, being sensitive to other’s needs, and putting the idea of daily sacrificing into daily practice (instead of the 3 or 4 times a month where I was convicted, which lead to frustration and insanity). I know that the Lord speaks to everyone one of his children and that my calling is to be a pastor, and somehow equipping and connecting people to be in the ministry is the central theme of this calling.

On another note, I really miss blogging day to day and I hope to get back in the habit and be able to have enough Internet access to write down my thoughts again. Thanks for all your encouragement and I look forward to being reconnected with the blogsphere. Be blessed.

Fear of God: Revearing trust in God that includes commitment to his revealed words and will.

[This post was actually published Nov 12, 2005 - it took me a while, nearly a year, to type up the following, and to make sense I wanted it to be published near the actual event to see what God is doing]
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The following are words that I recieved from two people on the U-Turn Europe commitee. Not written here are the words Alexis recieved... "You once loved a man, but you must let him go now"... I thought, very interesting.
Here are my words:

January 16th 2005 prophesy – Johannes & Gert

• A sickness in you, something to do with the kidneys and stomach – could be physical or spiritual, prove in your spirit. Anoint the body with healing – blessings on them – Headaches at times? God is doing much cleansing.

• The Lord is cleaning don’t be shocked. Some of your suffering is connected. Lord wants to heal you. Self image, restoration. You have sinned where you did not want to, you had an identity in the Lord but it has been shattered, restore your identity in Christ. Lord is dealing with you in your self righteousness. The more we come into the light. You see yourself and you are disappointed. You are a good servant, and He is a good master.

• [Pooh bear hat placed on head] – You are a good servant. The inferiority inside of you is one part of pride. You walked with authority & leadership in Poland and you will do that and have it here. YOU ARE A PASTOR. God will challenge you to be looked upon. The Lord will develop more contacts, you will be asked to speak. You are a solider of God. Be looked at. The Hat allows you to be recognized. He is calling on you to finish college. You will be recognized as his servant. Lord is restoring your identity. He lives in you.

• The suffering you feel is your identity – God is going to restore you.

• You are good because He is good

• He doesn’t leave you.

• Someone is watching your back don’t worry.

Take a look at 2 Corinthians 3:7 through 2 Corinthians 4:18, simply amazing. This is the first peace of scripture to jump out at me (mostly due to my lack of motivation) in the past year or more! It has given me a much needed dose of hope. Here are just a few highlights:

3:8 - Shouldn't we expect far greater glory when the Holy Spirit is giving life?
3:12 - Since this new covenant gives us such confidence, we can be very bold.
3:17-18 - Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.
4:7-10 - But this precious treasure - this light and power that now shine within us -- is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can se that our glorious power is from God and is not our own. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
4:11-13 - Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be obvious in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but it has resulted in eternal life for you. But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believed God, and so I speak."
4:16-18 - That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an imeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. for the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.

I hate feeling useless, needing to talk with people because I feel depressed, never accomplishing anything, be unmotivated, having to fight for every ounce of joy, need to prove myself to everyone. I hate it all. It's killing me, I swing back and fourth from feeling as if I can move on, to simply just wanting to give up. God is constantly talking to me in these times, but at the same time I never go forth with anything, at least I never feel that I have in the way that I was suppose to have.

God, save me from this, reach down deep and heal all these lies and the negative motivators that simply burn me out. I wan to give my utmost for his highest, but I trip and fall, and that just ticks me off.

Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever. [1 John 2:15-17]

However, I love this world too much, I realize. As much as I turn away from the things of this world, the more I realize that I have not stopped loving what it offers. I just want to serve my king, yet I fall into the desires of the world, for temporary pleasure, that doesn't serve any purpose except to make myself feel good. Moreover, it isn't a kind of "feel good" that is healthy, it's the kind that steals from others.

Father, may you be glorified by opening my eyes to danger before I fall into it, and by giving me ears to hear the warnings, and a mind to discern your truth. Everything I do that is honorable comes from you. May I serve your kingdom, so it may be furthered here on Earth. Remove my will, transform it into yours and ultimately yours will prevail. Only you can provide what I really need, give me what that is. Forgive me for my failure to glorify and honor you in all that I do, forgive me for stealing what honor belongs to others. Keep me from falling in love with the world and desiring its pleasure. Give me freedom, from the chains that bind me, and the lies of the enemy, let me cry out freedom, true freedom. Your kingdom is forever strong, what a pleasure it is to be in your kingdom, albeit I have done nothing to be a part of it, all I can do is serve, and be served. Forever may the glory be yours, amen.

Sometimes the world (definition - my life) seems so full of color, life, activities, and good. Then without warning, it goes void of happiness, joy, and hope. I find myself without an objective, nothing gets accomplished, because nothing is worthy of being accomplished, or so that's what the voice in my head says. I wish my first conscience thoughts were focused on the King, the one who has the greatest objective of all, love the world. I hate it when I fall into this thought process of negativity, shame. It is so non-motivating, and keeps me from doing anything for the Kingdom of Christ. I just want color in my life, I'm tired of the gray.

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
[excerpt: Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth]

Oh Lord,
Why do I say the selfish things I say? Why do I respond so harshly? Why is my flesh fighting so hard to stay in control? Why do I find myself in this place again? Lord I do not understand myself, I am convicted, yet I continue to make stupid decisions, or I simply forget that I already learned this lesson and I get stuck on repeat. I am sick of repeating, sick of taking three steps forward and then two back, sick of having to change directions at less than half way through a goal and therefore never finishing anything.

Nevertheless, blessed be your name, even through these trials, for your ways only lead to goodness and prosperity. There is light at the end of this tunnel. The weight of your glory slowly but steadily fills my thoughts, my plans, my life. Nothing of mine would be worth anything without you. Everything of mine is because of your great love. Everyone in my life is a gift from you. May everything I do and say be honoring, glorifying, and a blessing to you.

Thank you for today, keeping me from temptation, forgiving me of my sins and directing me to live a lifestyle of repentance.

PS. My wallett came back! Of course it appeared (from the couch where two of us looked, and virtually turned upside down) two weeks after I lost it, and a week after I ordered new cards. The funny thing is, all of my cards came in the mail on the same day that my wallet and I were reunited...

I have been putting it off, because I'm too self centered and prideful to admit that I have a major issue going on in my life. I've been so prideful of my relationship with Alexis that the fall had to come at some point. I promise everyone that I am doing "okay" which doesn't mean I'm doing awesome, or that I am "over it" it just means that I'm working through it.

So, with that said, the news is that Alexis and I are taking time off from being in a relationship, it has been about a month. We both want to seek God's wisdom and guidance in our lives. I use to think that "taking a break" or anything along those lines in a Christian relationship were down right stupid, it's not like you can "take a break" when your married. However, WE ARE NOT MARRIED, and it is best for us to seek individual counseling for our own issues before we bring it into a marriage, where our issues would be much harder to resolve.

My basic thought process this past month has been; I am SO NOT in control of anything, God has to be in control because I have nothing to control anymore. Besides, when I try to control things (such as with Alexis) I screw it all up.

So, I lost my wallet about two days ago. I have never lost my wallet, I don't want to ever lose it again. So, now I really have lost everything... it is time to let go. God is the only one in control, because certainly I am not. Hopefully when I actually have a place to live again, maybe my stability will come back to normal. I just gotta let go.

These days are my journey
And this journey is my way
This way can only be His way
Because His ways are higher than mine

And I can only follow one path at a time
One stepping stone, one moment is all I can do
He though, can see it all
All at one time, and in all places

I follow Him, and His ways
Because there is love and pace
When I step off His path
There is hurt and shame
His ways are high, his ways let me fly

And so I walk, step by step
And I'll let the light guide me

I need a schedule that includes time to myself, time with friends, but most importantly time with God. I feel like so many people around me have guards up, they don't want to go deeper, they just wallow in their own frustrations, and a lot of the time think that I have it all together. This is a vicious circle, that just sends me into a desert and then I become a jerk to everyone around me, and a super-jerk to the ones I love the most. What is God teaching me? What does he want to me to learn through this? So many questions, so many people, it is so overwhelming sometimes.

The problem is that I focus too much on the past or the future and hardly ever on today, right now. I want so much for the future, and I loved so many things of the past, but I don't like where I am at right now. I need some stability, I'm going on the fourth month of living out of my suitcase, with all my things in boxes, and my daily and weekly schedules changing. I also feel very disconnected from my friends, almost more so than when I was in Poland because I am so busy and have very little Internet access that I hardly get a chance to say hi to my good friends. It is driving me wild and causing me to be so frustrated.

I hate it when I doubt life, God, and people, all it does it put me in a funk, and God knows that a Travis funk is no good. When I doubt the world turns into one big negative rant after another. Normally my doubt is caused by the after effects of some kind of sin, I begin to wonder if I truly am really in a close relationship with God or not, and this is nowhere for me to be even going. I constantly think about Paul when he wrote to the Romans and said, "When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway." [Romans 7:19] and 2000 plus years later we still wonder why we do things I know we should not.

I mention this because I have come to realize that God does not want us to doubt Him, for if we doubt Him we miss what he wants for us. In addition, doubting leads to disobedience, and disobedience leads to sin, one big vicious circle. This past weekend I was at a college retreat with about 25 other college-aged people, the theme was "wanting more" and boy did we get more of Christ, more than many of us have ever experienced. God used many of us to encourage one another, direct one another, and correct one another in many areas. When it came my turn to receive prayer God spoke and said that my doubt has been holding me back, in ministry, relationships, and most of all my walk with Him. I don't want it, I reject the doubt, and I will have faith to move past it and see what happens, if it's wrong I'll find out and learn, but if I don't try I'll never learn. In the end it comes down to obedience… Abraham obeyed and sacrificed His son, and God honored that. I have not done anything as extreme, but I know God has plans just as strange for me, and for all His children.

But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. [James 1:6]