food for fish

Last Wednesday Alexis and I got back together. The past three months has been an incredible stretching time for me. There were definite moments where I thought we would never get back together, but now everything is so different. We are talking differently, we have a very clear idea of what God wants us to do in the future, and we know we will have little, maybe even big, tiffs, but God is the center of this relationship. The counseling I am in right now has shed so much light on all of my little quirks, that is not to say that am 100% better or that things in my past won't rear again, its just that now I can identify them and seek God's guidance.

In other news, Alexis has her own blog now, but I still do not have the address. She's already getting comments and she hasn't advertised or commented on anyone else's blogs, so there must be something good on it! It's a creative writing blog so I'm dieing to see what's on there, she said I'll know soon, she just wants to get it going first. She isn't using her real name on it so I can't search for it.

Young Man:
How beautiful you are, my beloved, how beautiful! Your eyes are soft like doves.

Young Woman:
What a lovely, pleasant sight you are, my love, as we lie here on the grass, shaded by cedar trees and spreading firs. [Song of Songs: 1:15-17]

I have no idea what to write though, there is so much, and right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop just thinking of all the great things God has done in my life these past few months. I guess I can always ask for prayer, prayer for good direction, quiet times to listen to the Lord and to do what is right for the people I love. There is so much going on in my mind right now and so many people that I would love to have long conversations with that I am just kind of in this comatose mindset of not knowing what to do. Tomorrow is a huge day, I will be meeting with people who are the most influential in my life at the moment, and the most authoritive in my life with a big decision to propose to them, I am nervous, and after tomorrow, you all might know why. Well, I had better go.

Here is a quick update. I finished my first quarter at Oregon College of Ministry and the International Training Program with a 3.4 GPA, go Travis! Alexis and I are doing very well, we still are not back together, but it is a time of healing and reflection for our friendship and is probably near its strongest point ever. I have learned a lot about ministry, listening to God, being sensitive to other’s needs, and putting the idea of daily sacrificing into daily practice (instead of the 3 or 4 times a month where I was convicted, which lead to frustration and insanity). I know that the Lord speaks to everyone one of his children and that my calling is to be a pastor, and somehow equipping and connecting people to be in the ministry is the central theme of this calling.

On another note, I really miss blogging day to day and I hope to get back in the habit and be able to have enough Internet access to write down my thoughts again. Thanks for all your encouragement and I look forward to being reconnected with the blogsphere. Be blessed.

Fear of God: Revearing trust in God that includes commitment to his revealed words and will.

[This post was actually published Nov 12, 2005 - it took me a while, nearly a year, to type up the following, and to make sense I wanted it to be published near the actual event to see what God is doing]
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The following are words that I recieved from two people on the U-Turn Europe commitee. Not written here are the words Alexis recieved... "You once loved a man, but you must let him go now"... I thought, very interesting.
Here are my words:

January 16th 2005 prophesy – Johannes & Gert

• A sickness in you, something to do with the kidneys and stomach – could be physical or spiritual, prove in your spirit. Anoint the body with healing – blessings on them – Headaches at times? God is doing much cleansing.

• The Lord is cleaning don’t be shocked. Some of your suffering is connected. Lord wants to heal you. Self image, restoration. You have sinned where you did not want to, you had an identity in the Lord but it has been shattered, restore your identity in Christ. Lord is dealing with you in your self righteousness. The more we come into the light. You see yourself and you are disappointed. You are a good servant, and He is a good master.

• [Pooh bear hat placed on head] – You are a good servant. The inferiority inside of you is one part of pride. You walked with authority & leadership in Poland and you will do that and have it here. YOU ARE A PASTOR. God will challenge you to be looked upon. The Lord will develop more contacts, you will be asked to speak. You are a solider of God. Be looked at. The Hat allows you to be recognized. He is calling on you to finish college. You will be recognized as his servant. Lord is restoring your identity. He lives in you.

• The suffering you feel is your identity – God is going to restore you.

• You are good because He is good

• He doesn’t leave you.

• Someone is watching your back don’t worry.

Take a look at 2 Corinthians 3:7 through 2 Corinthians 4:18, simply amazing. This is the first peace of scripture to jump out at me (mostly due to my lack of motivation) in the past year or more! It has given me a much needed dose of hope. Here are just a few highlights:

3:8 - Shouldn't we expect far greater glory when the Holy Spirit is giving life?
3:12 - Since this new covenant gives us such confidence, we can be very bold.
3:17-18 - Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, he gives freedom. And all of us have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.
4:7-10 - But this precious treasure - this light and power that now shine within us -- is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can se that our glorious power is from God and is not our own. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
4:11-13 - Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be obvious in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but it has resulted in eternal life for you. But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believed God, and so I speak."
4:16-18 - That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an imeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. for the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.

I hate feeling useless, needing to talk with people because I feel depressed, never accomplishing anything, be unmotivated, having to fight for every ounce of joy, need to prove myself to everyone. I hate it all. It's killing me, I swing back and fourth from feeling as if I can move on, to simply just wanting to give up. God is constantly talking to me in these times, but at the same time I never go forth with anything, at least I never feel that I have in the way that I was suppose to have.

God, save me from this, reach down deep and heal all these lies and the negative motivators that simply burn me out. I wan to give my utmost for his highest, but I trip and fall, and that just ticks me off.

Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever. [1 John 2:15-17]

However, I love this world too much, I realize. As much as I turn away from the things of this world, the more I realize that I have not stopped loving what it offers. I just want to serve my king, yet I fall into the desires of the world, for temporary pleasure, that doesn't serve any purpose except to make myself feel good. Moreover, it isn't a kind of "feel good" that is healthy, it's the kind that steals from others.

Father, may you be glorified by opening my eyes to danger before I fall into it, and by giving me ears to hear the warnings, and a mind to discern your truth. Everything I do that is honorable comes from you. May I serve your kingdom, so it may be furthered here on Earth. Remove my will, transform it into yours and ultimately yours will prevail. Only you can provide what I really need, give me what that is. Forgive me for my failure to glorify and honor you in all that I do, forgive me for stealing what honor belongs to others. Keep me from falling in love with the world and desiring its pleasure. Give me freedom, from the chains that bind me, and the lies of the enemy, let me cry out freedom, true freedom. Your kingdom is forever strong, what a pleasure it is to be in your kingdom, albeit I have done nothing to be a part of it, all I can do is serve, and be served. Forever may the glory be yours, amen.

Sometimes the world (definition - my life) seems so full of color, life, activities, and good. Then without warning, it goes void of happiness, joy, and hope. I find myself without an objective, nothing gets accomplished, because nothing is worthy of being accomplished, or so that's what the voice in my head says. I wish my first conscience thoughts were focused on the King, the one who has the greatest objective of all, love the world. I hate it when I fall into this thought process of negativity, shame. It is so non-motivating, and keeps me from doing anything for the Kingdom of Christ. I just want color in my life, I'm tired of the gray.

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
[excerpt: Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth]

Oh Lord,
Why do I say the selfish things I say? Why do I respond so harshly? Why is my flesh fighting so hard to stay in control? Why do I find myself in this place again? Lord I do not understand myself, I am convicted, yet I continue to make stupid decisions, or I simply forget that I already learned this lesson and I get stuck on repeat. I am sick of repeating, sick of taking three steps forward and then two back, sick of having to change directions at less than half way through a goal and therefore never finishing anything.

Nevertheless, blessed be your name, even through these trials, for your ways only lead to goodness and prosperity. There is light at the end of this tunnel. The weight of your glory slowly but steadily fills my thoughts, my plans, my life. Nothing of mine would be worth anything without you. Everything of mine is because of your great love. Everyone in my life is a gift from you. May everything I do and say be honoring, glorifying, and a blessing to you.

Thank you for today, keeping me from temptation, forgiving me of my sins and directing me to live a lifestyle of repentance.

PS. My wallett came back! Of course it appeared (from the couch where two of us looked, and virtually turned upside down) two weeks after I lost it, and a week after I ordered new cards. The funny thing is, all of my cards came in the mail on the same day that my wallet and I were reunited...

I have been putting it off, because I'm too self centered and prideful to admit that I have a major issue going on in my life. I've been so prideful of my relationship with Alexis that the fall had to come at some point. I promise everyone that I am doing "okay" which doesn't mean I'm doing awesome, or that I am "over it" it just means that I'm working through it.

So, with that said, the news is that Alexis and I are taking time off from being in a relationship, it has been about a month. We both want to seek God's wisdom and guidance in our lives. I use to think that "taking a break" or anything along those lines in a Christian relationship were down right stupid, it's not like you can "take a break" when your married. However, WE ARE NOT MARRIED, and it is best for us to seek individual counseling for our own issues before we bring it into a marriage, where our issues would be much harder to resolve.

My basic thought process this past month has been; I am SO NOT in control of anything, God has to be in control because I have nothing to control anymore. Besides, when I try to control things (such as with Alexis) I screw it all up.

So, I lost my wallet about two days ago. I have never lost my wallet, I don't want to ever lose it again. So, now I really have lost everything... it is time to let go. God is the only one in control, because certainly I am not. Hopefully when I actually have a place to live again, maybe my stability will come back to normal. I just gotta let go.

These days are my journey
And this journey is my way
This way can only be His way
Because His ways are higher than mine

And I can only follow one path at a time
One stepping stone, one moment is all I can do
He though, can see it all
All at one time, and in all places

I follow Him, and His ways
Because there is love and pace
When I step off His path
There is hurt and shame
His ways are high, his ways let me fly

And so I walk, step by step
And I'll let the light guide me

I need a schedule that includes time to myself, time with friends, but most importantly time with God. I feel like so many people around me have guards up, they don't want to go deeper, they just wallow in their own frustrations, and a lot of the time think that I have it all together. This is a vicious circle, that just sends me into a desert and then I become a jerk to everyone around me, and a super-jerk to the ones I love the most. What is God teaching me? What does he want to me to learn through this? So many questions, so many people, it is so overwhelming sometimes.

The problem is that I focus too much on the past or the future and hardly ever on today, right now. I want so much for the future, and I loved so many things of the past, but I don't like where I am at right now. I need some stability, I'm going on the fourth month of living out of my suitcase, with all my things in boxes, and my daily and weekly schedules changing. I also feel very disconnected from my friends, almost more so than when I was in Poland because I am so busy and have very little Internet access that I hardly get a chance to say hi to my good friends. It is driving me wild and causing me to be so frustrated.

I hate it when I doubt life, God, and people, all it does it put me in a funk, and God knows that a Travis funk is no good. When I doubt the world turns into one big negative rant after another. Normally my doubt is caused by the after effects of some kind of sin, I begin to wonder if I truly am really in a close relationship with God or not, and this is nowhere for me to be even going. I constantly think about Paul when he wrote to the Romans and said, "When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway." [Romans 7:19] and 2000 plus years later we still wonder why we do things I know we should not.

I mention this because I have come to realize that God does not want us to doubt Him, for if we doubt Him we miss what he wants for us. In addition, doubting leads to disobedience, and disobedience leads to sin, one big vicious circle. This past weekend I was at a college retreat with about 25 other college-aged people, the theme was "wanting more" and boy did we get more of Christ, more than many of us have ever experienced. God used many of us to encourage one another, direct one another, and correct one another in many areas. When it came my turn to receive prayer God spoke and said that my doubt has been holding me back, in ministry, relationships, and most of all my walk with Him. I don't want it, I reject the doubt, and I will have faith to move past it and see what happens, if it's wrong I'll find out and learn, but if I don't try I'll never learn. In the end it comes down to obedience… Abraham obeyed and sacrificed His son, and God honored that. I have not done anything as extreme, but I know God has plans just as strange for me, and for all His children.

But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. [James 1:6]

The hardest thing for me right now is to truly cherish, to love in return, to be the man I want to be… Please pray. Thanks.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time
It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Emergent worship... What do you think? My opinion... I love it, it's about the heart anyway, not the words (with in reason of course), or who wrote it, or anything else, it's about LOVE from the heart.

I wish i could blog right now. This message is from my phone. When i get the Internet at home i'll be back!

[This post was actually posted on Nov 12, 2005, but to make more sense I have retro-published it to fit in with when the actual even happened]
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This past weekend was our intern retreat out on the beautiful Oregon Coast. It was an amazing time, great worship, great prayer, and God was there. Something which I had never experienced before was "prophecy", and this past weekend we did a prophetic exercise. Now, before you go off thinking I've joined a cult or something, hear me out. No one forced us to speak, and no one was yelling, screaming, or making any other kind of strange body spasm, we simply laid our hands on each person and listened to what God was speaking to each of our fellow brothers and sisters. These are the words which came for me:

SPONGE: You are a sponge the yellow-green kind with lots of yuck inside. God is squeezing you, doing whatever HE can to clean you. It hurts. He will clean/fill you with His Holy water. His living water will wash you out. Decay needs to be uprooted. Dirty job but necessary.

BOAT: from Venice. Big staff in water you are holding staff.
Fisherman: This year the year to walk on water. Don’t look around or get frustrated. Cry out your fears, out loud.

WALKING ON WATER, IN POLAND: You were walking on water in Poland. Then you went down and Jesus picked you up. You were the only disciple in Poland. You’re now back in the boat with God in the storm, but God has quieted the storm. God wants to bless you. You are a foundational/pioneering person and God gave you this gift. God wants to heal you from mental and spiritual abuse, or any other. Enjoy the calm that God has made through the storm. The storm is not over. Endure the upcoming test. Be encouraged, you have the heart of Peter, so strong. Peter denied Christ three times, yet the church was built upon Peter.

LIGHTHOUSE: with stairs around the outside of building. Raining, thunder, but you keep climbing to the light. The light house is to warm ships of things coming. You’re wearing a black rain coat, God is that covering, he is with you. God’s given you persistence stronger than others. Because your faith is so strong in God you will press on.

HEBREWS 11:8-10: It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called on him to leave home and go to another land that god would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith – for he was like a foreigner, living in a tent. And so did Isaac and Jacob, to whom God gave the same promise. Abraham did this because he was confidently looking forward with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God.

GOD EAGER TO USE YOU: God is sitting with eager expectation you are willing to serve and that gives God a great anticipation. Tender heart, a servant’s heart. God excited to work in you because you are so open he can do such great things in you and through you.

God is walking with you. You’ve gone through a lot and are being healed. God is with you and your strong faith. God will heal you.

You are a man of integrity. Strong in God. He is walking with you.

Your heart for God is awesome, seeking his face.

PIONEER/CONSTRUCTION: While walking the enemy tried to distract you. God will build foundation, and you will build a house and roof. He has plans of construction with you. You dig very consciencly. You rebuild. You know when they fit. You are a pioneer. Storm come and ruins inside house. So we do the immediate – restore inside. Then storm comes again and ruins inside. God is building the roof so the other work will last. Plan of construction before you.

Technical. You dig stuff out and put together useful pieces. Spiritual mechanic and make things useful. Pioneer.

Up in tree you are a strategist. “Traveling Travis”, missionary, ambassador, you’ll be like Joshua. You will tell people as Joshua did.

DELIVERANCE: Each step of lighthouse is new stage of deliverance. Some steps may seem to go off cliff. You may want to curl up on some steps, NO. Don’t be afraid. But God says “no my son, get up, stand up” You will pastor people. Pastor’s mantle. Open minded. As lighthouse light shines North, South, East, West, God will give you direction to those places. No matter how difficult it is, God has your hand, He is prompting you to GO.

He is your focus. Trust the Lord and run the race. The Lord is your fortress, strength, and shield.

CLEANLINESS: Deut 23:9-14 When you look at refuse you think that stinks. God doesn’t reject you. He sees the garbage and embraces you. God will cover the refuse and get rid of it. God doesn’t see you as unclean. He will not turn away from you.
When you go to war with your enemies, stay away from everything impure. Any man who becomes ceremonially defiled because of a nocturnal emission must leave the camp and stay away all day. Toward evening he must bathe himself, and at sunset he may return to the camp. Mark off an area outside the camp for a latrine. Each of you must have a spade as part of your equipment. Whenever you relieve yourself, you must dig a hole with the spade and cover the excrement. The camp must be holy, for the LORD your God moves around in your camp to protect you and to defeat your enemies. He must not see any shameful things among you, or he might turn away from you.

BROKENNESS by the Lord, so he can deliver you. You need to be broken before God can heal you. Get to rock bottom so He can build you up.

You will be Bold. You are a cool surfer that is steady from God, Karate Man. Surfing on a wave with glasses, coolness. Steady, firm, chilling on wave. Intimidate the Enemy. Like a gangster knife fight you scare opponent. You go ahead.

You have an Axe – chanting around a fire like an Indian. “you are a warrior”

PSALM 84:5-12
Happy are those who are strong in the Lord, who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains! They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem. O God, look with favor upon the king, our protector! Have mercy on the one you have anointed. A single day in your courts, is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked. For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the Lord withhold from those who do what is right. O Lord almighty, happy are those who trust in you.

Alexis and I just finished our second week of school and ministry, and boy is it intense. Alexis is learning all the intricate realities of living with seven other girls and I am learning to say, "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name." Jr. High on Wednesday night was and will be the hardest for both of us since that age group tends to have issues with authority, neither Alexis nor I are authoritative enough. We can see that God will be stretching us, for more patience (how much does one need?), and to see the heart-needs of Jr. Highers. We are also learning to minister together, go to school together, and have a decent relationship that does not drive other people away. So far, we have received nothing but compliments and praise from the other interns and pastors. However, both of us are feeling the need to get away and spend some time with just the two of us. The Lord has an amazing plan for us, I know that this year will bring us closer together and it will either confirm our hope to return to Poland or show us something else. As long as we continue to work together, pray together (which is unfortunately lacking at this time), minister together, and have fun together, I know the Lord will provide what is needed and guide me in loving her as He intends all women to be loved.