food for fish

Not sure who is actually reading this these days... But I know those that do will pray and spread the word.

We have raised about $1,000 out of the $3,200 that we need. We'll be there for 10 days in late February serving at a retreat in the snow-covered mountains in the south. Essentially we just need $20 from the 120 people that recieve my updates... I haven't sent out an update yet... but be praying for this. Thanks!

In my observation of the 20 something group of people here in America there seems to be a slight lack, or at least an apathy towards faith. We speak it, we talk about it, we sometimes do things by faith. But do we live by it? Do we truly say "I know God has this for me so will live towards that promise"? Most of the time I hear "I don't really know what God wants" or "God promised me this, but first I ned to... (fill in the blank, job, house, family, etc)", I am just as guilty as the next.

I want to live by faith, I want to make it a point that everything I do is about what God has promised me. In my case, God has called my family to Poland, to disciple, train up, and equip. So, what are we doing while we wait for the departure day? We're leading a small group, encouarging, discipling, training and equipping. We're co-leading our young adult's group doing the same. Therefore everything we do and say is exactly what we'll be doing in Poland.

How do we know when we'll be leaving? When the people we have submitted ourselves to, the ones that help equip and disciple us, release us and commission us and ordain us. There's a process, don't quote me on this, but I believe it took Paul 7 years before he went on his first trip. While Alexis and I have been to Poland for a combined total of nearly 16 months of "in country time" we know that for us to move there we have things here in our "Jurusalem" to take care of and God will provide. We know it, and we strive to live it.

Alexis is in Frankfurt until next Monday.... 7 days without her. Not long when compared to the first year we were apart and across the world from each other. But it's the longest since we've been married and it's significant with her being pregnant and all.

Thankfully I have a lot of friends to go do things with, and a lot of things around the house that I want to work on. There's a feeling of some kind of expectancy for this week, I believe it'll be spiritual... So that sounds cool!

More later... I've got the time and the thoughts flowing in.

There's this man I know who has very strong convictions, not just "religious" ones, but ones that help people be better people. He normally thinks the best of people and most of the time he sees hope in their lives. As he encounters people he strives to bring them into deeper relationships, most of the time it's relationships with people that go awry. Sometimes though people have either a philosophical problem, or a knowledge problem when it comes to them and God. It's these questions that this man has a tough time with, and lately, it seems to be more difficult to address these.

You see, this man is no ordinary man, he's a disciple, he knows the Lord Jesus, and he loves the Lord with his whole self. Yet, there is a deep dark corner of his life that breaks through all to often. He's been incredibly open, spilling his entire life story to everyone he ever meets. He's been honest with those he is closest with. Everyone who knows him usually describes him as a "man of faith" or "a Godly man" - yet he's not so sure. He's accepted God's grace to fill these dark corners. One at a time the light has pierced the darkness and the good news has inhabited those places. But then the bugs come in, the house cleaners leave, and darkness begins to creep back in.

The man screams, he fights, he doesn't understand why it seems impossible to keep these places in his life filled with God's light. The voice of the world, the enemy, says life isn't worth living if you can't live up to Jesus' standard. But the spirit makes it clear that live is still, and always, worth living.

This emotional roller coaster he feels is beginning to take its toll, anger, frustration is met with passionate repentance. Repentance is met with overwhelming temptation, temptation is met with the power of God. There is victory in his life, then there is defeat. Victory... defeat... victory... defeat. When does it end?

He screams to his Lord: Father! Father! Why do I feel forsaken? Where does my tempter go? Where is your strength? I "know" you, I live for you. I declare victory in your name, I speak in your authority NO MORE DEFEAT. I want your connection, I want your spirit to fill mine. Praise your name that you would use me, I am but a man, a broken vessel, simply willing to be used by you! Help me oh God, help me to know and understand within my soul the strength which is in my weakness. Change me oh God.

And with that the man sought after the glow, the dim subtle glow deep within his heart. The tiny burning flame that pierced the dark place. He fanned it, and added fuel to it. He sat by it, he listened, he wept, he felt the flames warmth. As if on a bitter cold winter night, in solitude with just his creator, the man stared into the flame and pondered these things.

This man, he is no normal man, this man is a child of God. Any child of God is not normal, he is uniquely crafted for a mission bigger them himself, and far "under qualified" in the the Accuser's and world's standards.

I have a very empty tank today, and the most frustrating part is that I know it's my own doing. I kept moving at full force with out taking a good long time to soak in the Spirit. I've let my spirit run dry, and now every ounce of God time is used up faster than I can take it in. I'm in such a strange place that I can physically feel the emptiness, it's not a darkness, or a depression feeling, it's like having your stomach empty for over a day. I'm hungry for the good stuff, for fellowship, life, the meat of life. I'm ready to soak it in and keep it there, hopefully overflowing with God's grace to seriously hurt hell.

I'm getting into my daily devotions on a much more consistent level, I'm even meeting a buddy each morning BEFORE work, that in itself is a miracle. Yet I know something is missing, I've been pouring out too much, and now there's nothing to poor except regurgitated stuff (that by God's grace still touches lives).

Thankfully this weekend has nothing special, I'll get to spend good time with Alexis, and use all of Sunday to hopefully become a sponge again.

Did you know that the speed of life doesn't ever slow down nor speed up? It's constant. It's constantly moving, unable to go backward, unable to sprint, unable to crawl.

Hey Everyone,

Alexis and I have finally created a new newsletter, you can find it here! Love you all, thanks!

If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years it is that I can't stop running. The instant I stop, is the very instant a funk begins to form around me. Of course as a part of this running there is rest involved as well. But I'm talking about the spiritual race, the one with the ultimate prize. As Paul writes about, it is the one where I must have faith and endurance. I must persevere and never let go of what I know God has promised.

There are all kinds of things that could lead me off track, so many ideas, and so many people with their own ideas. But what God has told me directly is the only thing that will produce fruit.

Am I open to hearing advice from others, of course, am I open to looking at different paths that end in the same plance, of course. But what I am not willing is to not walk out the path God has given me. I am not willing to finish someone's elses work, I am willing to encourage others, and I am willing to support others. God has a plan, that is good, gives hope, and he will bring it to full fruit.

Love God, Love People, and work it out in full truth and grace.

Below are the lyrics to a song by Jeremy Camp, called "Beyond Measure" I can only give Thanks to God for everything I have in my life, and give him every ounce of credit for all of it. You can hear it on my MySpace profile.

The fog has finally cleared to see,
The beautiful life you’ve given me To
feel the breeze of my newborn’s gentle breath
With one to walk hand in hand,
To share this life that you have planned
It’s like a storybook with dreams
That are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary scene

[CHORUS]
I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given you control

I’ve faced a great tragedy,
But have seen the works of what you bring
A display of faith that you give,
I don’t know if I will ever understand
The depth of what it is you’ve done inside,
But I know that I will won’t find any worth apart from you

Everything that I have
Has been given so unselfishly
And shown that even when I don’t deserve
You always show the fullness of your love

In recent months, I have had both external and internal confirmations urging me to take a hold of my proper authority, both authority as in status and authority in wisdom and knowledge. I believe now that the stagnation that I have felt over the past few months has been mostly due to me failing to step into this authority. Half of me does not know how and the other half is scared of this. I know in my head what it looks like, but my heart is weary and unsure. Moving the knowledge from my head into my heart and then actually asserting this authority is a scary thing. The Lord is urging me to do this quickly, deep down I know in some strange way it is only I that has this authority.

To step into this new territory is going to require a lot of administration, emails, scheduling, and much prayer. Some of it I am walking into completely blind, feeling as if I have no tools (weapons in some cases) to be victorious, yet I know that He never lets go. A mentor of mine gave me Isaiah 30:15 a couple of weeks ago, I have taken until just a few minutes ago to read it. This is what it says (click the verse reference for the content):

This is what the Sovereign LORD,
the Holy One of Israel, says
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.

In the full content of the chapter, I realize that God’s grace is fully sufficient to cover the unknown into this new authority, and to cover whatever areas I “feel” unequipped to do. I must step forward, and say “here I am, use me.” My natural instinct is to wait until I am approached by someone to step into ministry, however I believe the time has come for me to step up to the plate on my own.

Lord, here I am, use me, I accept this new responsibility and authority. I receive your grace, and praise you. May I walk in your strength, authority, wisdom, and power in the areas where I know you have called me. Grant me boldness to speak, with wisdom and grace, and proclaim to my fellow soldiers that you have called me and I am not waiting for human confirmation any longer. In Your son Jesus’ name, AMEN.

If I had a battering ram to knock down the wall that I'm up against right now, I would be so happy.

But for now, I'm searching for the stregnth to pick up a battering ram first, and then I'll try to find the right wall to knock down.

I'm speaking out our young adults group tonight. It was originally scheduled for next Thursday, but other things sped it up to today. The combination of my PDA/Phone nont syncing with my server at work, let me to over-book myself for today and this week, leading to a not-prepared speaker.

I have a very vague idea as to what to talk about tonight. It's just after 4pm, I speak in 3 hours. There must be something to talk about.

I'm not all that freaked out right now, I was yesterday, so God must have something in plan.

I have a horrible time choosing gifts for people, most of the time I don't get anything, and if I do I get gift cards. However, choosing something for my bride, that's a different story... and a very hard choice as well.

I'm glad God figured out the perfect gift.

Some day I hope Alexis and I can actually visit the Slot festival, which is a yearly festival for believers that happens in Poland each year. I have a blog that I've been reading since I lived in Poland called "Tall Skinny Kiwi", it has a post up about it.

Wow a lot has happened in the 10 days since we returned. We find out we're having a baby, our head pastors change (we knew about this for over a year though), and my company has the equivalent of a divorce (long story, might mention some other time).

However, the most significant thing (the baby thing) is so wonderful the other things are overshadowed (and only one of the other things is bad, the job thing). In this time since we have returned we've had some culture shock that happens each year, yet this time it seemed more surreal.

You see, the church we attend has nearly 5,000 people each weekend walking through its doors. The church we help with in Poland, has probably close to 5 on average, and 15 on a good day. The difference? Nothing, they are both part of the church of Jesus. The biggest difference is that while most people in our home church have a "shopping" mentality (despite the urgency of our leaders and pastors to plug in, take ownership, even if its at another church), a lot of people in this culture see church as something to "get something from". I hear the phrases "I just didn't get anything from the sermon" or "I just don't get into worship", or a number of other "I just don't get...." all too often.

However in Poland, yes there's a few choices, nearly all are seen as a sect or cult (in American terms, cult is more of the perspective). Even the small church plant we work with is seen as a sect, and the local religious radio station has warned parents and adults to "be ware" of our activities we could be out for "brainwashing" them. Of the choices of Christian, bible believing and teaching communities, there's a large schism between them. Some are ultra Pentecostal in the scary "what you see on TV" kind of way, others are very closed, and preach to people that they should "repent of their Catholicism" (in a country that identifies themselves as more than 90% Catholic this is not a grace based teaching).

For Polish Christians to find, a safe place, where all are accepted, even when their are disagreements, where some still identify to be Catholic, is extremely rare.

Then Alexis and I come home, and we reenter our home church for a worship service with 1,000 other people, it brings us to tears each time. For us to take this place for granted would be for us to commit the same act as Judas.

Never forsake the fellowship, even though it may drive you crazy, that person driving you crazy is put there by God, to grow grace and character in you. Some people don't have the liberty to simply choose a place. The church is all we have, love it, as Christ loves it.

The news of 2007 is:

Alexis and I are having a baby!!!

Back on our anniversary we thought we may have been pregnant, although we were on the "pill", Alexis took a few different pregnancy tests, all came out negative. Then on our trip there were a few symptoms that we decided Alexis should see the doctor, so on Tuesday of this past week she did exactly that.

By Wednesday at 9am she found out, she is 12 weeks pregnant! Which means our little one has already been to France and Poland :P

The baby is due March 11th at this point. It's crazy, it's kinda fast, but we were ready to start trying in September anyway! So God's provision we know is coming!

Love you all! Thanks for your prayers and support!

Poland is a wonderful place. Thanks to everyone who has sent encouraging words, yes it's a little tough, but then I am reminded that God's creation is beautiful even the parts that irritate me, I am simply human. I am reminded that we are here for a reason, a reason that surpasses my understanding and the feelings around me. We are here for his work, his amazing, glorious work. We have friends here, true friends, and we have brothers and sisters in Him, the two are not necessarily the same, most of the time yes, some of the time not. It's the some of the time that get's me irritated. Alexis and I should go and take a walk, enjoy the God's creation, and simply be, instead of trying to do, that seems to be God's desire for the moment.

Thanks again,

Hey!

Alexis and I are in Poland right now, I find myself very tired at the moment, irritable, and I simply want to be away from people. Normally I like to be with others, but even people like me have a limit to how much time you can be around people. So as we spend time with our friends here, we realize the need for healing and restoration here. If only people were aware of the freedom that true grace brings, not just here in Poland, but all around the world. God's grace is 100% sufficient for everyone. Problems occur and fellowship is distrupted when hurt people hurt other hurting people, most of the time this is caused by people not knowing what their identity is as a Christian. We have authority, we are created in God's image, not other's, and most of all we choose to be like Christ. No one can tell you what Christ has given you, only we can choose that for ourselves, we choose to believe it, and to walk into it. We submit to Christ, we allow his counsel, his hands, and feet (this is the church) to mentor us, through mutual friends, our pastors, and his Spirit. This is what our ministry in Poland is based on. Applying His word to our lives, living as Christ did, and walking out grace. There is hope.

Serving him,

Hey everyone,

We're here in Poland now, been here since Wednesday. The youth camp in France went very well, I plan on posting some videos and pictures soon. The theme of the camp was "Coming together, going deeper", each night (except one) a French pastor spoke to the campers. Before we left I felt the Lord tell me to have no expections, and simply observe, this is precisly what I did. It was good, although at times I wanted to minister and wanted to feel God's touch, just to recieve, yet none of that happened. Instead the Lord had me obeserve, and intercede for others. God is creating in me a sense of peace through all of this, I'm learning to process things, and listen to his instructions, instead of jumping on knowledge and instinct.