food for fish

Not sure who is actually reading this these days... But I know those that do will pray and spread the word.

We have raised about $1,000 out of the $3,200 that we need. We'll be there for 10 days in late February serving at a retreat in the snow-covered mountains in the south. Essentially we just need $20 from the 120 people that recieve my updates... I haven't sent out an update yet... but be praying for this. Thanks!

In my observation of the 20 something group of people here in America there seems to be a slight lack, or at least an apathy towards faith. We speak it, we talk about it, we sometimes do things by faith. But do we live by it? Do we truly say "I know God has this for me so will live towards that promise"? Most of the time I hear "I don't really know what God wants" or "God promised me this, but first I ned to... (fill in the blank, job, house, family, etc)", I am just as guilty as the next.

I want to live by faith, I want to make it a point that everything I do is about what God has promised me. In my case, God has called my family to Poland, to disciple, train up, and equip. So, what are we doing while we wait for the departure day? We're leading a small group, encouarging, discipling, training and equipping. We're co-leading our young adult's group doing the same. Therefore everything we do and say is exactly what we'll be doing in Poland.

How do we know when we'll be leaving? When the people we have submitted ourselves to, the ones that help equip and disciple us, release us and commission us and ordain us. There's a process, don't quote me on this, but I believe it took Paul 7 years before he went on his first trip. While Alexis and I have been to Poland for a combined total of nearly 16 months of "in country time" we know that for us to move there we have things here in our "Jurusalem" to take care of and God will provide. We know it, and we strive to live it.

Alexis is in Frankfurt until next Monday.... 7 days without her. Not long when compared to the first year we were apart and across the world from each other. But it's the longest since we've been married and it's significant with her being pregnant and all.

Thankfully I have a lot of friends to go do things with, and a lot of things around the house that I want to work on. There's a feeling of some kind of expectancy for this week, I believe it'll be spiritual... So that sounds cool!

More later... I've got the time and the thoughts flowing in.

There's this man I know who has very strong convictions, not just "religious" ones, but ones that help people be better people. He normally thinks the best of people and most of the time he sees hope in their lives. As he encounters people he strives to bring them into deeper relationships, most of the time it's relationships with people that go awry. Sometimes though people have either a philosophical problem, or a knowledge problem when it comes to them and God. It's these questions that this man has a tough time with, and lately, it seems to be more difficult to address these.

You see, this man is no ordinary man, he's a disciple, he knows the Lord Jesus, and he loves the Lord with his whole self. Yet, there is a deep dark corner of his life that breaks through all to often. He's been incredibly open, spilling his entire life story to everyone he ever meets. He's been honest with those he is closest with. Everyone who knows him usually describes him as a "man of faith" or "a Godly man" - yet he's not so sure. He's accepted God's grace to fill these dark corners. One at a time the light has pierced the darkness and the good news has inhabited those places. But then the bugs come in, the house cleaners leave, and darkness begins to creep back in.

The man screams, he fights, he doesn't understand why it seems impossible to keep these places in his life filled with God's light. The voice of the world, the enemy, says life isn't worth living if you can't live up to Jesus' standard. But the spirit makes it clear that live is still, and always, worth living.

This emotional roller coaster he feels is beginning to take its toll, anger, frustration is met with passionate repentance. Repentance is met with overwhelming temptation, temptation is met with the power of God. There is victory in his life, then there is defeat. Victory... defeat... victory... defeat. When does it end?

He screams to his Lord: Father! Father! Why do I feel forsaken? Where does my tempter go? Where is your strength? I "know" you, I live for you. I declare victory in your name, I speak in your authority NO MORE DEFEAT. I want your connection, I want your spirit to fill mine. Praise your name that you would use me, I am but a man, a broken vessel, simply willing to be used by you! Help me oh God, help me to know and understand within my soul the strength which is in my weakness. Change me oh God.

And with that the man sought after the glow, the dim subtle glow deep within his heart. The tiny burning flame that pierced the dark place. He fanned it, and added fuel to it. He sat by it, he listened, he wept, he felt the flames warmth. As if on a bitter cold winter night, in solitude with just his creator, the man stared into the flame and pondered these things.

This man, he is no normal man, this man is a child of God. Any child of God is not normal, he is uniquely crafted for a mission bigger them himself, and far "under qualified" in the the Accuser's and world's standards.

I have a very empty tank today, and the most frustrating part is that I know it's my own doing. I kept moving at full force with out taking a good long time to soak in the Spirit. I've let my spirit run dry, and now every ounce of God time is used up faster than I can take it in. I'm in such a strange place that I can physically feel the emptiness, it's not a darkness, or a depression feeling, it's like having your stomach empty for over a day. I'm hungry for the good stuff, for fellowship, life, the meat of life. I'm ready to soak it in and keep it there, hopefully overflowing with God's grace to seriously hurt hell.

I'm getting into my daily devotions on a much more consistent level, I'm even meeting a buddy each morning BEFORE work, that in itself is a miracle. Yet I know something is missing, I've been pouring out too much, and now there's nothing to poor except regurgitated stuff (that by God's grace still touches lives).

Thankfully this weekend has nothing special, I'll get to spend good time with Alexis, and use all of Sunday to hopefully become a sponge again.