food for fish

One of my biggest pet peeves is non commitment! It drives me nuts when people change from church to church, place to place, group to group, or just don't go for some "feeling". We talk about giving our lives to Christ, 100%, but then we let the whims of our flesh decide our path. Now, of course I'm not talking about being sick, going on vacation, etc. I'm talking about the person who doesn't know from week to week (or whatever the case may be) what they will commit to for that week. "Oh, yeah, that sounds great, my friends will be there so I'll go." You know that's great for checking something out, or even maybe supporting a friend in making some changes... but our faith is not in people, people will always disappoint, always, at some point. Our faith is in Jesus, the creator of everything, I do believe he will guide us, he created everything we see, he can and does certainly create our paths, when we let Him, to be magnificent.

When the church I was saved in (I don't like the term saved, but it's the easiest to use, rather than, the church where I gave my life to Jesus, lol, I said it anyway) went through a pastoral change I was devastated, I wasn't sure where or what I would do. So, amazingly (wish I did it more these days) prayed to God for a direction, he specifically said wait six months. After that six months, I began going to another church's young adults group (where I met Alexis a year later), however God asked me to stay in the old church for yet another six months; although I was being fed at the new church. If I hadn't listed to God, and hadn't set my last Sunday for September 1st, 2002, I would have never heard Carol and Denise speak about Poland. In addition, if I hadn't listened to God about staying in Poland after I so desperately wanted to return home I would have never met Dan Russell, which in turn means Alexis and I would have never come to Gresham and experienced the life changing place of East Hill Church, where Alexis and I call home now... I'm not even sure Alexis and I would be married... but that's for God and not me to know :)

You see, I know that because I let God draw those paths, and let Him tell me where to be committed, even though it was hard, the best has come of it. It is so frustrating for me, especially with people around my age, it seems day to day "commitments" are always changing, not to mention things like relationships! That's a whole different post.

If this turns out to be as stable and feasible as they think it is, I would buy a car driven by this technology in a heart beat... assuming I could afford it. I've been eyeing the Toyota Prius for quite a while, however, it's a bit out of our price range, so most likely we'll end up with a traditional gasoline powered vehicle as our second car. The implications of this kind of technology is extraordinary.

I'm so tired that I can't even really get to sleep! My mind is overactive and I have a feeling of dullness inside. Probably this is all due to being over-tired... I should get to sleep. I'm having another rough start to a week, it seems Mondays bring around at least opression, if not a bit of depression, I'm just fried by this time of the week. These are the days that I MUST (but have no desire) get into God, reading His word, being in prayer, and being open with people, but instead my flesh takes over, and my spirit seems dry.

I'm realizing more and more that we need deep, meaningful relationships. We simply need them. I know a lot of people go about their entire lives w/o these kinds of relationships, holding everyone at arm's length, claiming that they are "good" when you ask them "how are you?". Yet, I know that they simply can not be good, they are only feeling as good as they have ever felt, but if they would allow someone inside, they would know that GOOD can be so much better. The even stranger thing is that the key to that deep/meaningful relationship door seems to be only through our heavenly Father. It seems to me that people who have not been touched by Him really have a hard time being truly open, and willing to discuss personal issues. I believe this is true because only our God is graceful and merciful. With grace and mercy, comes real freedom.

Last night I had an amazing opportunity to talk with a friend, God had put it on my hear that I needed to talk with him. I didn't know why, just needed too. I know that God used him to open my door a bit wider, lately it's been simply ajar, and hard to see into. I'm excited but still a bit scared to share things again, but I know it's the right thing to do.

At about 9:00am - Outside our living room.

This is outside our kitchen window.

And finally outside our bedroom window again.

I know some of you would pay to be bored, I would pay to be doing something that I have a passion to do. The grass is always greener on the other side. This season that God has us in also has me in a very trying state of "wait". It's a good place and I know that it will require much patience. I feel as though there is something that I must give birth to, but I have no idea when, and only a hint of the "what". I know God has something very exciting and that this waiting season is a key ingredient for full gestation to occur. In the mean time I must hunker down and write technical documents are server migrations and more fun stuff like that.

I could talk about boundaries and transparency until the Lord returns. Over at Sister’s Weblog Susan recently was looking back at transparency. This got me thinking about a couple of things. First, many people, and most Christians are so afraid of absolute transparency that they have locked themselves into a pseudo prison of shame and guilt. The funny thing is, the more transparent we are the less guilt and shame we need to deal with, we must still repent and always listen to the Holy Spirit for conviction, but guilt and shame are simply tools of the enemy. In Susan’s post, she highlights a number of verses that support the idea that God deeply desires our transparency. When we are transparent with what we are struggling with, with our issues, it brings awareness to the situation so that God can use his people to bring his healing, his wisdom, and most of all his love. I know this is true, because in my own life I have experienced this, and every time I become more transparent I have greater freedom to be who I truly am.

God uses people to do his work, read the Bible and you’ll see that, the idea that God does things unexpectedly is not 100% accurate, yes it some aspects, but the overwhelming majority of scripture shows that God uses people to get his work done. Inversely, the enemy does the same thing… Thank God that only one third of the angels followed Satan, and that the Lord still has the other two thirds bringing messages to us to do His work!

Now why did I mention boundaries? Well, because many people do not truly understand why saying “no” brings true freedom. You see, if we live by our God given priorities (i.e. staying in His word, praying/listening for Him, loving/protecting guiding our families, doing the things that support our calling, and the list goes on) we will experience freedom that only God can create. Alexis and I are learning this now, we have many things that come up, ministry opportunities, trips, many “fun and exciting” things, however, we have made the decision to honor God first by always filtering all opportunities through our priorities which we know are from Him. Because of this we do not feel guilt/shame if we have to say no to someone/something because we know that God has an amazing plan for us, one that will prosper us, and not bring us harm.

Together if we ask God for his priorities in our life, support them with boundaries, and are continually transparent with God and his bride (the church, other believers) we can experience a life of freedom from doubt, shame, and guilt. Believe me it is not easy, in fact sometimes it is incredibly hard, but the consequences are life-giving instead of life-taking.

Lord, I ask you to continue working in me, open my mind to be open with my brothers and sisters. Help me to get to the root cause of my struggles, and to be aware of the things in my life that may cause me to fall into my struggles. Lord I thank you for my friends that push me to be aware of the triggers and allow God to work in it. I thank you for your endless mercy and grace, I know at times I feel as though I’ve reached some kind of limit, but I know that it is only that old dragon’s influence turning the truth into a lie.

So, I tried posting this entry from my phone a couple of times the other day and it just never made it. On Thursday morning I witnessed one of the most amazing sun rises over Mt. Hood, it was fantastic. I was humbled because the sunrise reminded me of God's full goodness; and most of the time I do not give him enough credit for all of the amazing, big and small, things he does in my life, and in the world each and every day. Instead I tend to focus on what the enemy is/has/will/seems to be doing. While it is important to discern what is from God and what is from the enemy, I want to be a person who focuses on God's work, it is much more encouraging and gives me energy.

I praise God that he has sent his Holy Spirit to all of his believers, to guide me and all of us into the true light. So, take a moment and give God what he deserves, your praise. He is good.

Lord, I know your grace is enough, it is all I need. My flesh must be cut away and my spirit must come fourth if I am to fully embrace your goodness. May my choices bring honor and glory to you. May my choices be your will as what is done in heaven. May my choices be of forgiveness, grace, and mercy as you have endleslly given us. May I choose to eat of your bread each day. May my choices give you glory, honor, and power. In Jesus' name - Amen.

So I am having one of those nights, where I don't know which way is up. I feel stressed, but when I think about it, I cannot think of anything that is causing the stress. So, then I wonder if it is the enemy “just” pushing my buttons, or if it is “simply” the fact that I am feel physically exhausted. When all of those things happen my journaling/life lesson doesn’t happen, such was the case today, which in turn created a number of other issues (that longing to connect with God didn’t happen, wasting time on nothing particular and really not that exciting either, etc, etc). The list can on and on.

Simply put, I feel defeated, and the fact of the matter is, the enemy is the root cause. My sin nature wants to satisfy the flesh, and my spirit gets the short end of the stick. This could easily turn into a depression time, and at the moment it’s a ticked off time (in which my wife gets the short end of the stick, hence a fight with me tonight). Bottom line, Travis no feel good. Travis need to do priorities.

Father, so much inside of me is spinning around, it feels as if something nasty is about to be birthed out of me, or as if I could puke the black plague out. Lord, I need you, and I know you are here. I thank you for your Holy Spirit, that you can bring my flesh under control when I cannot. Lord I am asking for your wisdom and your fellowship. I thank you for this venue of venting. May you control my lips, my heart, and my spirit, multiply your fruit in me, and may your humility guide me. In Jesus’ name – AMEN.

Have you ever looked at a computer monitor/object for so long at one time that when you take your eyes off of it you can't really focus on anything else at a different depth? Yeah, it's certainly time to go home. 15 min to go! Whoo hoo.

This is Alexis with our friend's 2 year old, Kaydin.

Yes it's a commercial, but it is what I do... and times that by 155 clients that we have and now you know why Travis is grumpy sometimes and just wants to stay far far away from anything that has electrons flowing through it.

Watch it here.

I'm actually looking forward to doing my journaling time today. This is good, it means something is changing. Have I mentioned that the second half of my day 4 days of the week is quite boring... I have to try really hard to find things to do. Yikes... it's not my company though, I'm contracted at the moment to another place right now, and I'm only here for "help desk" things.

I just read through today’s life lessons, and I was again struck by God’s perfect love. I read Genesis 6-7 and Luke 3:1-22 and although at a glance they may seem to be completely unrelated, Noah’s flood and the intro to John the Baptist, the common thread is one of justice and love. The flood was about God having favor with Noah as the only human, at the time, to have a righteous and blameless life. John the Baptist was the one to make the way for Jesus as Lord and the only one to live an entire righteous and blameless life.

Both passages reminded me that I am far from blameless, but I do know that I am righteous, only because of Jesus. I am seen as white as snow, spotless, fully redeemed at the price of Jesus’ blood. Yet at times I am as wicked, as full of sin, and worthy of death by fire. But now I am seen as completely washed of my sins, and God guides me with his cleansing water and fire with His Holy Spirit. The flood of Noah cleansed the earth of evil, the fire of Jesus’ words cleansed humanity of evil. I’ll leave you with John’s prophesy about Jesus:

John answered their questions by saying, “I baptize you with water; but someone is coming soon who is greater than I am—so much greater that I’m not even worthy to be his slave and untie the straps of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. Luke 3:16 nlt

So here I am at work, actually at a client of ours in Portland's perl district (a great place to visit, but not to be stuck in bored out of your mind unable to visit all the cool things around you), bored, yet on edge that because I'm bored I'm not doing the right thing. I need to just chill out. Gosh, it's hard though. If I'm not doing something productive I feel that I'm going to be in trouble. I have things to do, but I'm waiting on this or that... strange. Anyway, better go before someone asks why I'm on blogger :)

The pastor at our church challenged us about a month ago to really journal, now I have been journaling for the most part everyday the last four years. Well, except the last year, it's been more like once to three times a week, there are a number of reasons as to what caused this change, mostly due to apathy and being "busy". Well, I really am trying to change this and get back into journaling and blogging, I enjoy writing and I know God has gifted me with the ability to write for a reason. So, our pastor gave the entire congregation on Wednesday night what he calls "life lessons", it's a journal with a reading plan, and a very simple journaling plan. It's what Jason (our pastor) calls "S.O.A.P." which stands for Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer. This is kind of what I’ve always done, to the most part, just now it’s in a neat little package that gets me thinking. So today's reading I chose the "meal" option (there's three different options, all revolving around the same text, 1. Snack, 2. Meal, and 3. Feast), I chose meal, which today was on Genesis 3 and Luke 2. In a nutshell, the theme God spoke to me was his transcending love, a love that gently guided us into obedience (the fall, Genesis 3) and a love that came to teach and for us to either reject or accept (Luke 2, the coming of Christ and his early childhood). In both passages we see God's love. Most of all in Luke 2:34-35:

Then Simeon blessed them, and he said to Mary, the baby’s mother, “This child is
destined to cause many in Israel to fall, but he will be a joy to many others.
He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him. As a result, the
deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your
very soul.”

I noticed that Jesus was destined to either be accepted or rejected by people, and we must be prepared for the same, we are, after all, His followers. Lord, I ask for you to be near, to be the God of us that chooses good over evil, and for you to guide is into your goodness and stray away from knowing "both good and evil" for you designed us to know only your goodness, and in our pride we chose both good and evil.

Father, I ask that you bless our friends, Jason and Cassiday through this transition period, that you bring full understanding and that your Holy Spirit guide them into miracles they never thought possible. I pray for Jason, as a man of Your word, to be guided by your goodness and your wisdom. Lord I pray that the enemy STOP pushing the buttons, in your name I ask for healing from the storms that won't stop, I ask Lord for your divine rest and peace and that the faith of his friends and family be a constant encouragement. Lord, I pray for Kerstin's parents to have safe travel, for your word to be known to them intimately, and most of all, Lord, for your Son to be revealed to them; in only a way that our faith in you can understand. Lord I ask that you bring me to my knees, that I let my pride down, and that I see your beauty in everything I do and in every person that I encounter. In Jesus' name - Amen.

Well, I was going to link to a video of the weekend before Christmas service at our church, but they don't have it on the website anymore. We now have to pay to see old services... I would like to know the rational behind that one. Anyway. My wife did a wonderful dance/sign language interpretation to Celine Dion's "A New Day has come", maybe I can get some video of it at some point. Anyway the words are great and you can apply it to the new year.

A new day has...come
I was waiting for so long For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the
darkness and good times I knew I'd make it through And the world thought I had
it all But I was waiting for you
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky Oh,
it's almost blinding me I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears Let it fill my soul and drown my
fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A new day has...come
Where
it was dark now there's light Where there was pain now there's joy Where there
was weakness, I found my strength All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, love
I
see a light in the sky Oh, it's almost blinding me I can't believe I've been
touched by an angel with love Let the rain come down and wash away my tears Let
it fill my soul and drown my fears Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun A
new day has...come
A new day has...come Ohhh, a light... OOh

I think Alexis and I are finally feeling like this house is really our house. I think the main reason is that we find our selves being totally content to be home alone. While we love to host people and we love entertaining, sometimes after a long week, it is just nice to be at home and do whatever you want. I find this particularly true with my new job, I’m dealing with people, customers, manager, all kinds of people in all kinds of positions all day, everyday.

The best part of this situation is that when we have people over or we go to a friend's house it is so much more fun and entertaining than ever before, a lot higher quality. Last night, in our young adults group, Sarah spoke about the twelve life lessons that God gave her this past year. One of them dealt with the idea that we do not have to be people pleasers, or buddy’s to everyone and their brother, even Jesus was close to just a few. Now I have “known” this but I didn’t really know it, because I still found myself affected by people when something wasn’t right, or, God forbid, they were upset with me. You know what, I just can’t please everyone, and others make the choice to be upset, as long as I do my part to always move towards resolution, that’s my responsibility, if they don’t choose to, it isn’t my job to make it right.

So, I am so glad that we have this place, it is a huge blessing, at times it seems like way to much, but times like tonight, I am so at peace and love God for it.

Hey the dust is settling! I finally have all my pictures uploaded again! A few may be missing or out of place, but things are looky like home again. WELCOME BACK!

Hey! Guess what? I'm feeling motivated to finally fix this place up and start blogging on a truly regular basis again! :) I promise (with the exception that real life does trump blogging at times).

I am slowly getting things back to normal, we have Internet at our house now! So, I'll be bringing my pictures back online and soon we'll have wedding pictures too! Also I hope to actually blog a lot more when all of the projects around the house are finished, just a couple more to go.

In the meantime don't forgot to be thankful for all the little things that God does. You're alive, you have internet access, that's a lot more than some people...

Not so big as in words... just as in life changes.

I got a new job at Cyclone Computers. It's a lot of fun and challenging, hoping that I'll have more client work soon. Due to getting a new job Alexis and I also found a new townhouse that we are renting, it's amazing, a total blessing. So, stability has come... now we just want to feel settled. We finally will have our own bed to sleep on this Sunday! Yippy

I just want stability. I want a real bed to share with my real bride. I want a toilet lid that I can accidently leave up (because 80% of the time I don't) and have my bride "chit chat" about to me. I want to be annoyed that our cats are making a mess at the litter box. I want, I want, I want. I don't have. I don't need. I have Christ and Christ alone.

There is light at the end of this tunnel though. I had two interviews this past week, and on Monday I have two more. Praise God Almighty.

Lord, I thank you for this life, I thank you for an amazing church family, I praise you for all of your blessings. I thank you for your friendship, and I love you more everyday, even when I don't have what I want, but I do have what I need and that is why your love endures. Praise be unto you forever and forever.

AMEN.

I alive. Alive and well. Got turned down from another job interview though. However they are creating a second position that, God willing, I'll get, the guy who interviewed me said I was the top candidate for this "Technical Engineer 2" position. I hope so, it would be perfect, there are a few other oppurtunities I'm looking at and have applied for, but right now I'm not sure that they are the best. Keep praying, and I will be on here more full time as soon as Alexis and I settle down into our own place in Gresham, Oregon! AMEN.

It seems that all I do are “updates” now… with living at my parents house Alexis and I find ourselves not doing anything regular, including getting on the Internet for relax time. Anyway, the update. Well, I didn’t get the job that I interviewed for a few weeks ago for, they called me the same day, which was very nice… sorry I didn’t say anything, been really busy. But, I just got a call today asking for another interview with an Educational Service District (that would be the people that provide special services to school districts, including technical support) for the NW Regional ESD in the Portland area. This is good! Because I have worked as a Network Administrator for a school district in the Seattle area for just about ever… I love it, and I would love this job too, I just know it. So please keep this in your prayers.

As for the rest of life… Alexis and I applied for an apartment; I know a bit backwards you say? Yeah we don’t have jobs in Portland, but we might get an apartment… God does stuff like that and it works… Go figure. This apartment is the exact one we have been (admittedly) coveting for about a year, maybe coveting is not exactly right, but I know at times our hearts were near coveting… It’s a townhouse, with two bedrooms, washer/dryer, 1.5 baths, and a large living/dining area and decent kitchen, it’s perfect for where we are in life right now. So if God wants us to have it, he’ll make it happen and we will be moving in Oct 30th.

Okay. So a quick summary of our trip and were we are now.

Wedding Day July 9th.
Got Married
Took a limo to the Alexis Hotel
Slept...

July 10th
Took a town car to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport
Took a plane to Chicago
Took another plane to Frankfurt, Germany

At some point it became July 11th
Took another place to Venice, Italy
Took a "Bus Boat" through Venice to the ferry terminal
Took a "ferry" (more like a mini cruise ship) to Pula Croatia.
Took taxi to "Hotel Milan"
Stayed in Pula for 10 nights rented a scooter for 24 hours and toured the beaches

July 21st
Took taxi to Ferry
Take Ferry to Venice
"Oh, excuse us ladies and gentlemen... all taxi boats in Venice are on strike!"
Take (slow) bus boat to "regular" bus station
Take taxi (the only thing w/ Air Conditioning in the 100 degrees F heat) to Airport
Take plane to Frankfurt
Take car to U-Turn youth camp

July 21st to July 29th U-Turn Camp

July 29th
Take bus to train station
Take two trains to airport
Take plane to Rome
Stay in Hotel in Rome and tour until August 1st

Aug 1st
Take plane to Frankfurt
Stay in Frankfurt until August 6th

August 6th
Take bus to cheap-airline airport
Take way-to-early-cheap-flight-from-far-away-airport plane to Katowice, Poland
Take bus from far-away-airport to Krakow
Stay in Poland until August 16th

August 16th
Take bus from Krakow to Katowice (again to the "far-away-airport")
Take plane to Frankfurt (but far-away airport sort of "Frankfurt")
Take bus back to the real Frankfurt
Stay in Frankfurt until August 23rd

August 23rd
Take plane to Washington DC (horrible place to transfer flights when coming from Europe and continuing on to west coast).
During flight "what day is it?"
Land in Washington "it’s still Wednesday"
Take plane to Seattle
During flight "what day is it?"
Land in Seattle "it’s still Wednesday"
"It's been Wednesday for 30 hours"

Still August 23rd....
Friend picks us up in our car... yay.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.

WAH...
August 28th.
Travis works in Duvall/Carnation at school district
Labor day weekend - Travis & Alexis are in Gresham looking at apartments
September 6th - Travis has interview at 10:30 am, please pray this is the right job!

That's it. See you soon!

Alexis and I have been in Poland since last Monday and we are enjoying it a lot, time seems to be going faster here then at any other part of our trip. We've seen our old friends, and have done a lot of talking with Denise about the future. We are excited for what God has in store for us and we are looking forward to making more trips in the future, maybe with some of you!

If you want to read more what God wants us to do click here and here. Blessings and thanks!

This place is a mess, sorry. Between, college graduation, getting married, canceling my internet account (hence the reason the pictures are gone), and traveling around Europe for over a month now, Foodforfish has gone a hyatus. But come back in a month or so and it'll be back up, and hopefully with at least weekly updates! Blessings!

Revel in your singleness, I have just three more days of single-hood and there is a small part of me that will definitely miss the freedom of doing whatever I want when I want. However, there is a larger part of me that is very much ready for a life-helper to share life with. You could say that something is dieing so that something much more beautiful may come, or you could say that this process is something like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, neither way of life is better than the other, they are simply different. The process however of going from singleness to marriage is not a simple one, not matter how "similar" you and your partner may be.

Alexis and I have one very strong chord that keeps us in line, it is God, and He has certainly shown us amazing things, about each other, the past, and the future. We know that our future together is God's will and is an essential part to the ministries He has called us into. We have a firm belief that we do not do commit to anything unless is somehow fits into the ministries God has called us into. What that means is that because He has called us into leadership training and restoration we will not commit to just "any" ministry simply because there is a need, we will earnestly pray and seek God's wisdom in ministry decisions to see if it lines up with His will and call on our lives. If we can incorporate what He has placed on our hearts then we will consider it, if we cannot we will not consider such opportunities. What we have learned is that weather you are single or married ministry is not something to simply do for the sake of doing it, it is something that we are all called to (Eph 4:12, we are all to be equipped for ministry), however God's desires are in our heart, and if we are not doing what God desires specifically for us, then why do it?

PS. We are still short of our missions funds for the summer, please consider donating (donation information on right). Thanks!

So, yes I should have gone and looked at the details. But everything seemed peachy until today I look at our Honey Moon details and discovered that the ferry Alexis and I are taking (the only one on the day we leave) from Pula, Croatia to Venice, Italy gets to Venice at 11am on the 21st of July, which is the same time our flight from Venice to Frankfurt is...

There are two options, one leave Pula on the 18th (which means staying three very expensive nights in Venice and changing our Hotel reservation, another fee). Second, changing our flight to a later one on the 21st out of Venice (probably cheaper than staying three days in Venice, if possible). Pray that one of these works out and the money to make the changes comes through. Thanks!

I wish it were easy to "just say no", in many ways. Sometimes people ask you to do things that you really don't want to do, just say no. Sometimes people ask you to do things that you don't have time for, just say no. Sometimes you want to do something that you shouldn't, just say no. Sometimes you do things that you shouldn't, so you do it more, just say no. Sometimes… No is the answer, but it isn't easy.

Saying no, is about thinking out the consequences first than replying. Saying no, is about living smart. However, people tend to go two ways with this "no" thing. One, they either never say no and are paralyzed that other people will say, do, or think something negative. Or Two, they say no to everything to "protect" themselves and use it to manipulate others into getting really what they want. No is power, and with power comes pride. No is power, but just like any power we must use it for good. That means saying no when we should and saying yes when we should. Communicating and thinking about the consequences of our "yes's and no's" is the key to living a life that moves with purpose.

That's what life feels like, and I know that when life feels this way I start to detach from reality. Just three more days to go, and graduation! YAY.

You Are Fish

You have a well formed palate and a daring appetite. If it's served to you, you'll at least try it. People are pretty scared of your exotic ways. But once they get a taste of you, they're addicted!

Tomorrow night Alexis and I will be enjoying Les Miserable at the Fifth Avenue Theater in Seattle. Earlier in the day Alexis will be trying on her wedding dress too. We have just over a month to go! Pray that we can somehow get everything in order, this past week I applied for 11 jobs, and so now I wait, and apply for more next week. Thanks for your prayers and know that we are seeing God in all kinds of things.

I'm finally making some changes around here… I like the layout, but I'm ready for a new paint job. I'm thinking something that says "a hike in the mountains". Wait and see.

Listening to: Everyday - SONICFLOOd
My laptop randomly chooses pictures from my large assortment of pictures over the years, currently a very nice picture of my old apartment is set as my wallpaper, and I miss that place! As I think back to those days I remember a time when life had a steady pace. I worked Monday - Friday, and had the same activities weekly on the same days, and those days that didn't have anything I always had people to call or I always had a place to go home to be by myself. These days I live with 10-15 other people at all times (right now I'm the only one downstairs though, it is quite nice) and after two years of this I am certainly ready to have a place to call "home" again, of course this time Alexis will be with me and a whole new atmosphere will be built, but that's okay, I'm so looking forward to it. I have a lot of ideas for our new place, and so does Alexis (our invitations have TMA, for Travis Mielonen Alexis, I laughed today when Alexis said it stood for "too much attitude", pretty true when it comes to decisions such as how to decorate the house).

Anyway, my prayer request is that when we get back from Europe I can find a job quick enough that Alexis and I can get a new place fairly quick, right now it's a little hard applying for jobs since we'll be gone for seven weeks. If I don't find a job quickly we'll need to stay somewhere for real cheap, like $300 or less (and that's pushing it if we want to keep up on our regular bills) until I get a job. We have our eyes on some townhouses right here in downtown Gresham, they go for $710/month, two stories, one ½ baths, two bedroom, quite nice, tot real big, but big enough. Please pray for this, thanks!

I think I may have God induced exhaustion. What I mean is that I have been so physically exhausted the past few days that I am finding myself doing some things that I really enjoy, and I am totally hearing from God. At the same time temptations have been strong. But this entire season the words for me have been "endurance" and "perseverance", everyday I have to lean on God for the strength to resist temptations, endure frustrations, and persevere in speaking truth to the lies that I deal with.

I feel the edge of passion returning, a sacred kind of passion, and an incredible return to that first honeymoon of my salvation. Amazing grace that is what this is.

I need to be broken and on my knees. I was going through my song library when I came upon Jars of Clay "World's apart". Boy have I been a world apart from the "honeymoon" of my salvation; the exciting time where every chord of worship, every word of a sermon, and every conversation about God would carry on for hours and hours; where people from six different churches would simply come together to fellowship, worship together, pray for each other in public. Life seemed to ooze with Jesus. However, this honeymoon isn't called a honeymoon for no reason; it is was just that… now I'm walking in a marriage with Him, the Lord and Savior of the world. And as in all marriages it takes many intentional decisions, working through the "feelings" and moving into an unconditional loving (<--- that is not a mistake). Here are the words of "Worlds apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high
And like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin
Of One who loves
More deeply than the oceans
More abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood
And water flow
To love You take my world apart
To need You I am on my knees
To love You take my world apart
To need You broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did You really have to die for me
All I am for all You are
Because what I need and what I believe
Are worlds apart

I have had some anxious thoughts over the past month about where I'm headed. These thoughts started as questions about my calling, my upcoming marriage, friends, ministry, etc. However, whenever I thought about "quitting" any of these things I just had a twist in my stomach that yelled "no". I know that God is using these things to challenge me, push me, and strengthen me into the man he wants me to be. I have a peace, an assurance that the path I am heading is the way.

The discouragement, the lies, the lack of motivation has certainly had me in a slow walk, but I do not see this as bad. I see this past quarter as a time where God has wanted me, albeit hard, and at times very discouraging, and the enemy has certainly played with these thoughts. God has known though that I would turn to Him for the truth, and in return I have received His truth, His grace, and His love in all of those areas.

Then I received some reassurance just before I began to write this… I loaded up biblegateway.com and took a look at the verse of the day it was "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."- James 3:17-18 NIV. I have been leaning on heaven's wisdom, wisdom that surpasses human understanding; even though at times God has caught me straying away from this. Every time I find myself anxious and wanting to dishonor God, another person, or myself, I come to the choice of leaning on Him. I choose to be meek, that is, I choose to be wisely, strongly, humble before my Lord, Savior, and God. This is the assurance we all have in Christ Jesus, the assurance that when we choose Him, the Kingdom of Heaven touches earth, and his will is done, just as it is in heaven.

Yeah, that wonderful little adjective describing ones drive or enthusiasm for the stuff of life. Well, right now I have a lot to do, but I don't have much motivation to do it, yet it is stuff that is bugging me, things like cleaning my room, doing my laundry, cleaning my desk, making phone calls, etc. All of these things are not all that bad in and of themselves, yet, when I've been in 40 hours worth of meetings in the course of five days, my motivation lacks. However, these past five days have been amazing, absolutely great and I wouldn't have made a different decision, I just wish I had done the laundry before I left for a three day retreat… I out of clothes… not fun.

I really want to get back into regular blogging, I really enjoy it, yet that motivation factor plays in. This motivation thing is not new either… With my brain constantly being injected with information, emotions, and excitement, the words just do not seem to explain it all. However, I am confident that some day it will come back, and once again the fish will be fed.

The small group that Alexis and I are involved in right now is going through a series called "Wounded by Shame healed by Grace"; it is a wonderful group "counseling" (for lack of a better term) series. Currently we are just on week two, and the main concepts discussed have been performance driven shame, and guilt verses shame. It has been quite eye opening and I just can't wait to see what else God will reveal to me, Alexis, and our relationship together.

For myself I have noticed that much of the things I have done, and still some of the things I do to this day have been driven by performance, albeit not consciously. I remember a number of times saying "yes" to something simply because someone of "importance" asked me to do it, which must have meant that "they liked me" therefore if I do a good job on this task I will be "better" in their eyes, and in me. This is just not true, I am who I am because of what God says I am, not anyone else. Performance is really simply self-focus, it's saying "what I do, is what makes me" it doesn't allow for God to make me into who He wants me. This is shame because I became ashamed for not "meeting the standard", not "pleasing the person", or a number of other things. Shame based performance happens a lot with people, usually it comes in the form of performance love, "if you do this thing, or please me well enough you'll get a treat (love), but if you don't than you are punished." This is different than actually disobeying an agreed/understood upon consequence to something. This kind of performance-love plays out in families all too often, instead of separating the behavior or task from the person, the ability to do a task or behavior reflects onto the person's being. What a person does, and who a person is should never be equated.

That's my little rant, and my little journey into some deeper stuff. I am not perfect, and I know that I say things that shame people, but I want to be held accountable, and for people to call me on these things.

Lord God, I pray that you continue to open my eyes to your wisdom in giving and receiving grace. Your amazing grace isn't called amazing for no reason. It is amazing because no matter the circumstance, no matter the issue at hand, I am covered by your grace. Lord help to live in your grace and not the judgments of others, nor to be motivated by other people's thoughts, judgments, or shame. Thank you, in Jesus' name. AMEN.

We are having a 24-7 prayer time here in Gresham, as an Intern with the church here we help facilitate the environment and keep prayer going every hour for seven days. Eventually we want to have a "boiler" room where we will have prayer 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and 365 days a year. However, this is the beginning, and it has been a great success! The Lord is doing some amazing things in people's lives. It has been awesome to pray with some of the general public that walk in when they see the banner up outside.

As for me, this time has been a good time to focus my prayers, and renew some of the commitments I have made to the Lord these past few years. As our wedding date comes closer I realize that God has been moving in my life in very subtle, yet significant ways. I've realized that over the past ten months or so it has been so easy to "access" God's presence, in a way, I no longer need to run to Him because I know that I am always with Him and he is always with me. Even during the midst of trouble, confusion, and frustration, I am able to allow His spirit to calm me down and for His wisdom and knowledge to guide me instead of my fleshly instincts and logic.

Thank you Lord, for your spirit of wisdom and knowledge, thank you for your love, and for your mercy. Father I pray for more of pure desire, to be pure in my thoughts, my actions, and in my love towards Alexis. Father protect Alexis and all the of the women at the retreat this weekend, bless them with your comfort, and your heart-desires. May they become aware of the authority you have given them, may they be blessed with your truth. May YOU be the center of their being. In Jesus' name, I pray - Amen.

Here's for the whole world to see some of our engagement photos! Enjoy!

Silhouettes of color that stock me
In response to what I cannot see
Images of feelings,
And feelings of images

At times I know, those times a rare
Why not then? But why now?
Images of feelings
And feelings of images

The reeling of the real
While I ask here now
These images, these feelings
Those images, those feelings

Should I reel the real
Or should I just deal?
Because the images of the feelings
Are just reeling the feelings of the images

Are these images real?
Are these feelings real?
Or am I just an image of what I feel?

Today I met with one of the pastors at our church, Jason, it was something that God prompted me to do well over a month ago during a message that he had given on a Wednesday night. I didn't really have any clue as to why God asked me to do this, except that down in my heart something wasn't quite right. So, I sent the email, and it was scheduled (he's a pretty busy man). The appointment was at nine in the morning, well before I usually get up on a Friday (Thursday/Friday are my weekend), but I knew I had to, so I did. I had my journal with me, all my notes, and all my colored pens (I color code my journal… OCD… maybe) ready to go.

Well I get into his office and tell him why I setup the appointment, for some guidance, direction in ministry is what I had written, and that is what I said. However, God had some other plans, because Jason did what I asked, but not as I had actually expected. You see, not more than 10 minutes into conversation did the question of purity in my life come up, first between Alexis and I. I told him the truth, we are doing quite well in that area, the furthest we have gone is kissing, and maybe an arm up a shirt, but never past the ribs, I know it sounds impossible, but I tell you the truth. Then we got into my own purity, my thoughts, and that I haven't gone more than two weeks without "acting out" (a.k.a. masturbation) my impure thoughts for about seven months now. Of course this was of no surprise to him, because just about every male on the planet deals with this in some fashion or another. The thing is, for some reason, it really hit me tonight while processing our conversation, that this is a key foundational stone for our marriage, and our marriage is a foundational stone for our future ministry to the Polish people.

The topic of purity also brought about my daily habits and situations, what triggers me to act out; this lead to four basic areas, stress, being in the Word, exercise, and sleep. All of which are either too high or low. The big one for me recently, especially the past seven months, has been being in the Word. So, I took the step tonight to read the Word for learning and listening, not just for the sake of "checking it off my list". I never thought I would have that attitude, however it has happened.

So, in my reading tonight I went with something "simple" and read Proverbs 24, because it is the 24th of the month. Two verses stuck out, verse three, and verse 27, both of which deal with building a home and a business. Both of which I applied to my current situation, I must develop my business before building my home, and I must build my home on wisdom and good sense. My business right now is my ministry, which is to my fiancé, this is my business to wisely develop our marriage and minister to each other, for a lifetime of ministry to each other, and just as Christ laid down his life for the church (his bride) I will lay down my life for my bride. This is requiring a mega-shift in my thinking, a completely new paradigm and I know that God has much in store. Because of this, I have committed to God, that I will keep myself accountable, to get up early to read the word, spend quality time with Alexis, and open the lines of communication with my accountability partners. I am asking a good friend of mine to call me in the mornings and make me get up for this, because I know right now I am too weak, extreme maybe, will it work I hope so, God is good and I want His heart, and this is what is in my heart to run after His. The Lord has called me, and now He is calling me deeper, and it will not be easy, and I will need to suck it up at times, but I will persevere with Him by my side, it is His will, and His will be done.

To our supporters,

Thank you for your amazing support as we embark on our third journey to Poland and our second to U-Turn Europe. The Lord has provided over half of our funds (about $6,000 total, more than originally anticipated) for this summer's missions trip. At this point we are still in need of $3,000. Through fundraising, our personal savings, and working as much as we can while attending school full time, we know God will bring in the rest. By the time you read this we hope to have purchased our airfare, which is almost half of our costs. The rest will be used for serving the U-Turn Europe camp and for our room and board while we are in Zakopane, Poland (The city where Travis lived and ministered for a year, and Alexis helped for six weeks).

This trip is important because it will lay the foundation for our future ministry in Poland. Not only will we be continuing important relationships with our Polish friends and other European friends, we will begin visioning and strategizing how the future will look for Alexis and I and the rest of the team that will eventually start a Christian servant-leaders training program in Krakow, Poland. We are working with a Dutch church and a young Dutchman who has a similar heart and passion for the city of Krakow and the Polish people, his name is Johan and he is currently living in Zakopane helping the church there while finishing is Masters Thesis on tourism. Together, along with others we are praying for, we will begin the next phase of our ministry in Poland.

Please do not stop praying for us, and giving in whatever areas you are capable of doing. We highly appreciate your prayers, support, and love in reaching a lost nation for the Kingdom of God.

In His service,
Travis & Alexis

PS. Our wedding is July 9th, invitations will be going out soon, however school and planning for this missions trip is where our hearts have been the past few weeks. Our honeymoon will be in Croatia on the shores of the Adriatic Sea, this of course is coming out of our own pockets and from our families, and the flight is on one ticket for simplicity and cost effectiveness.

Please donate online (Link to the right) or send checks made to Mission Dispatch to:

Travis Mielonen/Alexis Koho
C/O Mission Dispatch
654 5th Ave. S. Suite 300
Edmonds, WA 98020

A suggested donation of $50 per person or couple would raise enough funds for both of us to go on the U-Turn Europe mission trip and bless the people in Poland. The wedding date is July 9th, 2006 in Edmonds, WA. For more information please visit our wedding website @ travisandalexis.weddings.com


Travis also has on-going tuition needs. If interested he is providing web-page design at $600/website and on-site small-business/home office computer/network/technology support, all of which goes towards OCM tuition and or the missions.

I feel like I have nothing to say, but I have so much in me to say. But all of this stuff in me feels so unimportant to the rest of the world. Yet, at the same time I want to scream it all to the world. The Lord is all I want, and all I need, He is everything, he is EVERYTHING. This sounds so pat, so cliché, so not important. But they are simple words that effect me down to the very core of my being, it is not a feeling, it is not a "good warm fuzzy" feeling in me, it is a motivation. This thing that I feel, it's more than I could ever imagine, and it is so hard to explain. I really can't stand here and not be moved. But then I find myself standing right where I don't want to be, and I don't move when I should. Thank God for His grace, and I do not feel neither shame nor guilt, because I know that the Lord, my God continues call me. If only my fleshy desires would align with my spiritual desires. Then I might actually do what I want to do and stop doing the things I do not want to do.

Father,

In your name I come. In your grace I walk. In your power I go. In your way I desire. You are absolute. I want to commit my fleshly desires to your will, I want to commit my soul to your spirit. Let your glory fall around, shine around. Father keep me from temptation, from anger, shame, sexually, selfishly, all that you would not call your own. Lord, most of all open my heart to hear your words, your love, and to be filled with your spirit in all that I do. May this road of communication be open forever, and ever. Amen.

So much brain activity, I have nothing to say.

The silence has been good. But now I want to hear something in the silence.

I'm reading "The Sacred Romance" right now by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. It is good, real good. The best thing is that Alexis and I were prayed for today at a missions conference and Isaiah 45:1-3 was used, and low and behold, you would think we all worshipped the same God or something. Because, in my reading tonight, I think Chapter seven, the exact same passage from IS 45 was used in the book!

Something of heaven touched Earth tonight, right here in good old Gresham, Oregon. Yes, I mean, we had some kind of encounter with the heavenly bodies. No, not one of those "We saw angels flying from the rafters" no, I mean something much more touching. When I first came to Christ I swear that at times I had no choice but to raise my hands in worship, however over the years I've slowly come to a place where I raise my hands, not based on a feeling, but in response to my heart's desire to touch God. Tonight though, something new happened, instead of raising my hands because I wanted something, it's as if God came and forced my arms up. This may sounds strange, but it was natural, and it was great. God is so good, and He so loves, his greatness can never be measured until the time His kingdom comes. I worship God because of this, not because I feel better, but because he deserves it.

(Minor updating 6/11/07)
See this post, and this post for a quick overview.
The Lord has done much in our lives since Travis returned from Poland in August of 2004. Both of us are now in our final year of the INTERNational Training Program (ITP) and the Oregon College of Ministry (OCM) in Gresham, Oregon. Through the ITP we are being equipped for hands-on, practical ministry to young people and others in our own generation. As part of this intern program we took the opportunity this past July/August to go to U-turn Europe in Poland, an annual youth camp for Foursquare Europe (each year a different country is host), that, by no accident, was in Zakopane, the same town Travis lived and served in for a year and Alexis lived and served in for six weeks. In addition, through OCM we are being equipped with practical biblical training to enable us to serve God and be servant-leaders to a broken world. As the Lord guides us into marriage through this engagement time, we are looking forward to his promises in our life together, please read further.

Over this past year God's calling on our lives has become confirmed, we are to be pastors, to sheppard His people and serve them. We have a vision to see people become equipped to lead and serve in God's kingdom. Because of the mentorship, training, and equipping we have received through OCM and the ITP we now have the tools and heart for mentoring, training, and equipping our generation. Specifically the Lord has given us a vision and heart for our generation in the nation of Poland.

So, what will we do in Poland, when will we go? These are the questions. We want to build a training program in Poland, it will look different than the ITP, but God's heart is the same; to mentor, train, equip, and release the Polish people to do the ministry themselves, plant churches themselves, and bring God's full glory in freedom. This training program will be a place for Americans, Poles, and eventually anyone to experience ministry, hands on, and receive the same kind of mentorship as Paul did for Timothy. We believe there will be restoration for both the local Polish people and the interns themselves just as we have seen in our lives since being in the ITP. In the future we want to have the same kind of quality practical Bible teaching as OCM is providing, in Poland. And ultimately we want to see the Polish people take on the vision themselves.

In order to see this come to fruit we have a multi-year plan that we know will require patience and prayerful consideration. Of course we will continue building our relationships with our Polish friends in Poland, including at least an annual visit until we move there. We also want to begin building relationships with the Polish community here in the Portland, Oregon area. In the meantime we hope to recruit Polish Christians from the Portland and Seattle areas in the ITP program in Gresham. We also want to recruit Poles living in Poland to come and be interns in the ITP so that we can start building a team of people (including some non-Poles) to go to Poland when God opens the doors and says "go". We consider this time to be the conception stage; we know God will lead us into each stage as is necessary at the proper times.

So, again, we thank you for your prayers, financial support, and spiritual support through this entire process. If you have any questions you may contact Travis or Alexis with the information below. We pray that you too will know God's calling in your life, weather it be local or global, we know the Lord has amazing plans for each person and that it takes for each of us to trust Him and Listen to Him.

In Christ,


Travis & Alexis Mielonen

I mean the blog… I've had ideas of grandeur for foodforfish for a while now, but just haven't had the time nor the energy to sit down and work it out. However, I tell you though, The Lord is doing some amazing healing, and restoration in both Alexis and I, all in preparation for our eventual ministry in Poland. We are now working on our Wedding, and our mission trip this summer to Germany/Poland, continue to keep us in your prayers as we go out for support funds, prayers, and tell people the vision. Thanks!

It seems that what I try to do these days, creates a war inside of me. One side screams for just a taste, while the other side tries with all its might to stop the screaming. The first side fires its arrows of pleasure, when one hits the target, then great apathy comes, then, the final blow comes with a shot gun shot of guilt and shame. The other side fights all of these darts, attempting to use the weapons it has been taught, but discovers that practice does make perfect, and recently, practice is, what is not. To and fro, to and fro, like a giant game of tug-o-war, only it seems that one side is a bunch of two year olds, and the other a huge nasty guy who mysteriously seduces the side that could so easily trample him.

Happy new year!

But Christ never leaves us. I celebrate the day that He came to save us, and that one day I would pray to Him to save my life (lyrics from the Reliant K song "I celebrate the day" on their Christmas Album). Everyday I want to celebrate that day, and everyday I want to pray to Him to save me from my human nature, everyday I want to praise Him, yet it seems, everyday I do something to the opposite, but still everyday He forgives me, and everyday I see more and more of His glory, from Glory to Glory I will pray.

Sometimes I dream, although you may never know it.
And at times, I fear, but you might never know it.
Yes, I even get excited; however, I probably won't show it.
I hope, I pray, that one day, these dreams come true, because He knows it.

If only we could hang together with no one else around
If only we had a place to call our own, than we could really be together
If only we would know the full plan, and then we might be free
If only we could fully obey, than we would probably be content

To be content, to have content, to see content
That is what I want, that is what I dream, and this is how I wish to love
Content with His love, content with His plan
That is His plan, that is His love, I want to obey.

I want to obey, be content, and love with the father's love.

Is a gift God wrapped in??

Go here, read, learn.

Wedding planning, final exam studying, exam taking, interning, ministering. That about sums life up right now. Engagement picture coming soon... Check out our wedding site, more to come, it is in the works.

We are hoping that this will be the final stop for telling "the story" of what happened Monday night.

It all began back in April, Alexis and I "snuck" into a jewelry store here in Gresham and she saw a wedding set that she absolutely loved, albeit way beyond anything that I could afford (and that was without the diamond!). But it gave me an idea of what to look for. A while later, I get a windfall of cash to help with mission trip we would be going on that summer, strangely enough I had received about $600 more than we needed. After prayerful consideration I put down $500 on that very ring she looked at, without any real idea of how on earth I would pay off the whole thing, thankfully the store let me put the ring on lay-away instead of just buying it on credit, and for some strange reason that same day he took off $600. The week after I put down that money we were visiting some old pastor friends of ours, right as we were leaving they slipped me a $500 check, the exact amount I had just put down on the ring. So, essentially at this point I've really paid nothing.

After this I worked my tail off and put every extra penny (at times it was like $20) towards that ring, by October I still owed a fair amount. But I remembered what God had told me just over a year ago, which was that when I finished my journal (not my blog, but a real paper one) it would be time to propose. I still had about 25 pages to go at that point, but something inside of me was pressing to pay off the ring, so I figured out how to work as much as possible and still get my intern and school duties done. By the second week in November it was done, I owned the ring. But there was still one problem; I still didn't have a diamond. I contacted her grandfather (mom's side) who use to be in the jewelry business, he got me some good prices on some great diamonds, but way beyond my financial ability. I contacted her grandmother (father's side) and she had a diamond to send, and I received it, but it wasn't an engagement diamond, however we are putting it into the wedding band. Then I looked on my side of the family, and nothing was found there either. Finally, a solution came about and just last Monday (Nov 21st) the diamond came, from what we think (no one is sure it was in a box) is from my biological dad's mom's ring. A beautiful, hand cut, round, 1 carat diamond.

So, I rushed into the store on Tuesday, had the diamond set, and it was to be ready on Wednesday so I could take it with us to Seattle so I could propose on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Well, on Wednesday I got stuck working late, and when I finally made it to the store, it was closed, it had closed an hour earlier than normal for the Holiday!

Plan A was to propose on the Seattle waterfront after seeing the downtown Christmas tree light up, well without the ring, that wouldn't happen. Funny thing is, the journal still had 5 pages left.

Plan B - Portland on the following Monday. Journal now has 2 pages left. We would go to the Grotto around 1pm. The Grotto is a Catholic Church prayer center, with a park like grounds that you can walk around on, it has a rose garden and a great garden with cool paths to walk on. The best part is the 130 ft ledge that you take an elevator to get up to, and at the top is more gardens, and a prayer room made of marble and huge glass windows that overlook the Columbia gorge towards Vancouver, WA and the cascades, and the Portland airport. My idea was to take her here, walk around, go to the prayer room to pray about stuff and then read some words I had written in my journal that I wanted to say (which are posted below) and then propose in the prayer room (if no one else was there, otherwise just outside looking over the area). - Plan B failed, there was a huge accident on the I205 freeway and we were forced to go another way, which took me forever to figure it out and by the time we got to the Grotto they had closed the upper part (w/ the prayer room) and would be closed until 5pm for the "Festival of lights".

Plan C - We went to Safeway and had a bite to eat, at this point she just thought things were fine. We were waiting for the festival to start. We went in and it was awesome, they had the story of Jesus' birth playing, and scenes made of Christmas lights. When you made it to the end of the path it lead into a big area with a huge life-like nativity scene and a Star of David the size of our house. We walked around, enjoyed the sites, and talked, and laughed. Then as we were about to leave, and grabbed her and took her under one of the spotlights that shined down to make the image of a snowflake on the ground. And I said, "I have a gift for you", she said "You do!", and I said "yes". I pulled the ring out of my inside pocket, and her face froze. I began to slip off the wrong glove, but caught myself, and slipped off the left glove. I took her hand, and said "Would you be my bride?" She was silent, and shocked, and then she buried her head into my chest. She looked up, teary eyed, and then screamed, "OH MY GOSH, IT'S REAL, YES" and did a little dance and then wouldn't budge, and said, "I want to savor this moment!" Later on in the car I read to her the words I originally wanted to say. Oh, yeah, and the Journal got done, with a big 'ol praise to God and closing thoughts on the future.

The rest is history.

There comes a time when people simply do things without any logical reason. Everything around them points towards one path, but the voice of truth says "go another - for I have called you - obey." Alexis, I am in a new season and with every season there is a time, a place, a time for change, and a place of new range. Alexis, God has been doing a lot in our lives and I believe it with all my heart and spirit it is Him that I obey and step into this new season; a season where I must begin a new identity. This new season means that both of us must learn to live without each other, as we know ourselves today. Because this new season requires both of us to gain a new identity - a new identity where Christ strands us together, a strong three strand chord. Simply put, Alexis, would you be my bride?

I had her read this passage afterwards:
Song of Songs 4:1-15

Yep you guessed right.

It's real.

Christmas in Seattle!

Wow, I just realized this blog is now three years old. I think it is time for a makeover, I'll wait until next week to start that project, I've got too many other projects to pay much attention to my own personal ones right now… sad day. Love ya all.

I'm tired of being tired, but I seem to only be tired during the day, at night I can't get to sleep. This makes for a very frustrating situation. I want to have passion, life, and to be doing things because my heart wants to, not just because I need to. Lately it has been so hard for me to get up, I've been getting up just 30 min before I have to be anywhere (which thankfully has been 10am most days), if I don't have something until 12:30 than I don't get up. It has been so bad. I don't wan to be like that, I want to steward my time properly. I want to give time to God's word, to prayer, and to fellowship. So, I want to be awake, I want to rise up.

In other news, this past weekend was the Jr. High beach retreat at my church, and it was a blast. At first I really wanted to just stay home and do nothing, which is basically all I've felt like recently (I sure hope I'm not getting depressed, I'm pretty sure it is just time for a break, thank God for the holidays). However, once I got there the whole thing was a blast, the kids were great and I saw them really wanting to experience God, big time. This quarter God challenged me to be a fill in, not to simply be in the ministry I wanted, but to go where I was needed and serve, this ended up being Jr. High - never my top choice. During this quarter I have learned that my calling to be a pastor is not just for a specific age group, it is for all, and however I can do that is what matters. Even though I feel like a failure in some pastoral areas, I know that this is my calling and that continuing in it is important and to not give up when I fail to "do" something. This opportunity to serve Jr. Highers has shown me the Father's heart for people, no matter their place with Him, or anything else.

My verse at the moment: Ephesians 5:14 "And where your light shines, it will expose their evil deeds. This is why it is said, 'Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.'"

Alexis is updating her blog again, if you're interested click here.

We had a very scary moment top off a rather great day. Today each of us interns were introduced to all the students from 6^th to 12^th grade, but we were introduced in style. Ill put up pictures as soon as I get some of them, it was a great time, Alexis and I each have different color hair now, its rather shocking for some. Anyway, we were all dressed up and lookin good. So after youth group we wanted to go out, we chose to go to Portland's Le Bistro Montage. Now this place is a bit different, there is one painting, in particular, with a twisted version of the Last Supper. Other things make you think about the spiritual atmosphere of this place, and the area in general.

So, all 18 of us got there, sat down, and began eating some bread with butter and than my roommate, Ryan, began chocking on some of the bread. Not the kind of chocking like most of us have where we cough a bit, no, this was the full-on, he-cant-breath kind of chocking, where no sounds were coming from him. One of the interns, Robyn, immediately got in place to do the Heimlich procedure. However she just wasnt strong enough to get it going so a guy named Ty, who saw as back at the church, who randomly asked us where we were going and had decided to tag along, did it. The horrible moment lasted well over a minute. Ryan is fine now, shaken up, however giving the glory to God and doing a bit of reflecting.

We never know when things like this may happen, and we never know if God puts people around us for some reason. Ty and Ryan didnt really know each other, except for each others name. Just the random chance that Ty came was a miracle, plus Ty is an EMT. During that time I was shaking, but had a peace that Ryan and God were good, and that really things would be okay. However, I am still processing the whole thing;this was certainly a wake up call of some kind. Got us thinking and got us looking at God in a very real way. It has been a while since something so close to death has happened near me. Praise god.

I know a family who just this past week had their car stolen. It had in it, among other things, a laptop worth $2,000 and with two years worth of work on it, various CDs, DVDs from Block Buster and the public library, and a purse, with the owners Drivers License, Check book, Debit Cards, Credit Cards, also a baby stroller and other miscellaneous things. In addition, this was their only car, their only car with just liability insurance, meaning it isnt covered.

This family is a God-fearing, God-loving, God-understanding family, young, and just beginning to step into their calling as pastors. Some would ask, why would this happen? Others may say Well, they shouldve had full-coverage if it was their only car. I say, this is one of those opportunities in which the body of Christ consistently screws up, especially these days. What am I talking about? Im talking about the fact that people in the Church do not recognize these times as Acts 2:44-47 times.

These are the times when the church could step in, buy a new car, help replace what was stolen, donate whatever resources (maybe guide them in prevention of ID theft) they have, to help this family. This is what the Body of Christ should look like, its Biblical. It is not Biblical for us to pass judgment and say well you should've been safer with your things, you shouldnt live in a place known for cars to be stolen NO! We do what God leads us to do, not what human logic says is okay. We also make mistakes, we are human, that is why the body must work together - Ephesians 3 and 4 - I think are great ones on that.

That's what I think.

I finally have typed up the prophetic words I have received over the past year. I have retro posted them to go where they should in my archives so that over time I can look and see what else God was doing, where he took me, and where he is taking me.

October of 2004 My first experience with modern-day prophecy 1^st year intern retreat. Basically God was calling me into the desert.

January of 2005 My second experience, Alexis and I were broken up, a time of hell in the desert.

September of 2005 The third experience, amazing, God shows His face through the whole thing and previous prophecy is shown to have come to past. Alexis and I received this one together. The promise land is nearing, but there is still work to be done.

I think I am finally going to get around to doing some cleaning up around here. Maybe put in some new pictures, change some colors, etc. Since we finally have Internet at our place I can get around to these things. Not to mention the million other things "I can finally" do now that I have better access to the Internet…

I just am not motivated when I'm sick, I really want to write out our vision for Poland and send it to some important people, but right now, I haven't got the energy.

The Church needs to stand up. We need to be real, authentic, and alive in everything we do. We need not cover ourselves with some kind of Christian mask; we must, instead, renew our minds, and awaken our hearts to our Father. We must stand up, wake up, and realize that we are called. The Bible says that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few, and I believe that is also says that many are called but few will go. What if the called went, and the workers worked, what then? Yes I'm on a high. But the Lord has made a difference in my life, let Him make a difference in your life, let Him be your Lord. Jesus is the Pilot, not the co-pilot. His ways are far beyond our understanding, yet when I follow them, even without understanding, the fruit in my life is amazing. Be passionate, be His disciple, and listen to the Father's heart.

I don't care what issues you have in your life, we will never be perfect, we will never be. I still struggle with sexual sins, I struggle with anger issues, I struggle with obsessive compulsive tendencies in many areas. But I know one thing, I am much closer to what God has called me, and the world doesn't understand, but I know my soul is alive, and most of all my Spirit is leading because God's spirit is in me, and as Christians we all have this wonderful advantage, let His spirit grow yours and be walking in the Spirit and not by the desires of the flesh.

I can't remember the last time I actually made a Christmas wish list, but I decided that this year it might be worth it, especially since I don't see anyway I could get these things on my own right now. So, here it is :)

Travis' Christmas List 2005

1. Archos Gmini™ XS 202 MP3 Player ($230 @ Comp USA)
2. Digital Camera - Samsung Digimax 3.2MP Digital Camera - Techno Silver U-CA 3 TS ($230 @ Best Buy)
3. Another Hot Air Balloon ticket to take Alexis too
4. Money for tuition and books
5. Money for Mission trips
6. Money in general (for bills)
7. $300 to pay deductible for rear ending damage on car
8. $175 to fix broken hinges on laptop - update* now both are broken, bad.
9. Gift card to Banana Republic
10. Gift card to The Gap
11. Gift card to American Eagle
12. Gift card to Target

So, here I am sitting at a café, watching a bunch of people do some wine taste testing and laugh their heads off. Everyone else (being the majority of my friends) are in class and I'm sitting here doing nothing because I lent out the one book that I need to someone else. So instead of taking advantage of my time, I'll be staying up late, once again, with a full day ahead.

In other news, the fundraising is going pretty well, it looks like we will be able to buy at least one ticket; it would be nice for both of us to go, but for now it looks like one. We'll use the extra money to go towards our trip in the summer. Remember you can donate with PayPal on the right, thanks.

This past month has been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride for a number of the people I live with, including myself. One of our German interns has been dealing with excruciating pain with a couple of her teeth for a little over two weeks now. Thank God she found a Christian dentist who has charged her only $275 for the procedure to remove two absences from under two of her molars. This procedure has now lead to pain which has kept her up for over two days and now they've prescribed something stronger than Vicadin, let's hope and pray that it works. The last option is simply to pull the teeth since she does not have the insurance to afford the specialist (a $3,000 procedure).

As for me, this next season of my life is a huge time of transitions. Not only are people around me transitioning into new and sometimes unknown territory, I am also entering a new season of life, yet I'm not quite sure what it is. All I know is that I am becoming more and more sensitive, but I believe in a good way. For example, yesterday I was listening to our intern pastor and he was telling us what he sees for the future and I was tearing up the entire time, and through worship I almost lost it. However, inside I couldn't pinpoint the emotion; I think God is simply preparing my heart. And you know, the more I think about it the more I realize that when God's heart is being told, it resonates in me and comes out emotionally. I'm not really bothered by it, but I am surprised by it, but I like it too. I feel close to God, close to Alexis, and pretty good. I have my down times, yet they are intimate down times, not angry, empty times.

Well I am truly learning what Paul meant by "going from glory to glory". You see, the night after I wrote my OCD post (the one just below this one) I had an OCD moment. Alexis and I had a misunderstanding and because I focused on the part where I felt she left out information, therefore making me feel disrespected and very annoyed, I had a bit of a blowout of anger on my part. And so, what should have been a 20 min discussion to figure out our schedules turned into a 2 hour quarrel over respect and demands.

Lesson learned - do not focus on feelings until the facts are straight. Especially if you tend to obsess on how you feel and not the other person.

I use to joke about being "OC" or "OCD", but I now realize that I do obsess over things such as "disrespect" and "rudeness". What I mean is that when I feel someone has "wronged" me, I become overly obsessed with that situation, and I either completely get on the person's case, or if that is not possible I become so disconnected from the rest of the world I get absolutely nothing done. Thanks to a great friend of mine who has gone through similar issues I now have some tools to get through those times, and realize that just because someone did not communicate something, or that something was not done as I asked, or whatever the reason, that person isn't trying to "disrespect" me or be "rude" to me, it's simply a miscommunication, it happens, we are human.

The root of this issue is perfectionism, I have had a lot of control over my life, especially before I decided to take the ultimate risk and follow God in faith. But since following God's call and depending on faith, I have learned that I can not be perfect, nor is anyone around me. I have no control, even the little bit that I claim to have on a day-to-day basis is not really in y control. God is providing, just enough, at just the right time, and my faith is increasing at a steady pace, not lightning speed.

There are some major things happening right now in the ministry that I am involved in right now, as part of the internship program. It's another one of these calls to faith, bit more control is going to need to be dropped, and simply put, I am afraid. I know that I'll want to compare myself to others, and that I'll feel that I am not as qualified, but I must know that God's call is all that qualifies me.

Lord, I ask for your guidance, your voice to be strong, to keep me from the temptations of the enemy. I praise you for what you have done, for where you have managed to pull my stubborn soul, I thank you for this too. Continue to be the center of my relationship with Alexis and guide us into the right time for the next step. May all of this, and everything else I have no clue about, bring you glory, and people to faith in you.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

This is a copy of the letter we will be sending to people. Let us know what you think.
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The Lord has done much in our lives since Travis returned from Poland in August of 2004. Both of us are now in our second year of the INTERNational Training Program (ITP) in Gresham, Oregon, as well as in our final year at the Oregon College of Ministry (OCM). Through the ITP we are being equipped for hands-on and practical ministry to young people and others in our own generation. As part of this intern program we took the opportunity this past July/August to go to U-turn Poland, an annual youth camp for Foursquare Europe (each year a different country is host), that, by no accident, was in Zakopane, the same town I served in just over a year ago. In addition, through OCM we are being equipped with practical biblical training to enable us to serve God and be servant leaders to a broken world.

Over this past year God's calling on our lives has become confirmed, we are to be pastors, to sheppard His people and serve them. We have a vision to see people become equipped to lead and serve in God's kingdom. Because of the mentorship, training, and equipping we have received through OCM and the ITP we now have a heart for mentoring, training, and equipping our generation. Specifically the Lord has given us a vision and heart for our generation in the nation of Poland.

So, what will we do in Poland, when will we go? That is the question. We want to build a training program in Poland, it will look different than the ITP, but God's heart is the same; to mentor, train, equip, and release the Polish people to do the ministry themselves, plant churches themselves, and bring God's full glory in freedom. This training program will be a place for Americans, Poles, and eventually anyone to experience ministry, hands on, and receive the same kind of mentorship as Paul did for Timothy. We believe there will be restoration for both the local Polish people and the interns themselves just as we have seen in our lives since being in the ITP. In the future we want to have the same kind of quality practical Bible teaching as OCM is providing. And ultimately we want to see the Polish people take on the vision themselves.

In order to see this come to fruit we have a multi-year plan that we know will require patience and prayerful consideration. Of course we will continue building our relationships with our Polish friends in Poland, including at least an annual visit until we move there. We also want to begin building a relationship with the Polish community here in the Portland, Oregon area. In the meantime we hope to recruit Polish Christians from the Portland, Seattle, and other areas and certainly Poles living in Poland into the ITP here in Gresham so that we can start building a team of people (including some non-Poles) to go to Poland when God opens the doors and says "go". We consider this time to be the conception stage, when the vision is fully birthed we will know.

We have a couple of opportunities on the horizon that do require some outside resources. The first is in November, we have been invited to attend the first national Foursquare conference of Poland. It takes place on November 11th and 12th, our entire trip would be from November 10th to the 16th and include a stop in San Francisco where a former Poland missionary and one of the Polish girls we worked with are now, as part of our intentions to build stronger relationships with our Polish friends. Total cost for this trip is about $2,300 for both of us. This is a key event for us to begin building strong relationships with the national leaders in Poland and to capture the full vision for Poland. The next event on the horizon is U-Turn Germany, taking place this coming summer. This camp is when we see nearly all of our friends from Poland, and make new ones; it is also a key event for building our strong relationships even stronger. After we are in Germany we hope to travel back to Poland for a week to simply help and fellowship with our Polish friends. Estimated cost for U-Turn Poland is $2,000 each, this is a part of the ITP and so much fundraising is available for this.

So, again, we thank you for your prayers, financial support, and spiritual support through this entire process. If you have any questions you may contact Travis or Alexis with the information below. We pray that you too will know God's calling in your life, weather it be local or global, we know the Lord has amazing plans for each person and that it takes for each of us to trust Him and Listen to Him.

In Christ,
Travis & Alexis